PITTSBURGH—In what is being hailed as a revolutionary advancement in women’s reproductive healthcare, Foundation Consumer Brands, the maker of Plan B One-Step, held a press conference Friday to introduce its new emergency team of brawny men who shake down impregnators for abortion money. “Our latest birth control product, Plan C, gives women the option to have a safe and affordable abortion by sending a group of street toughs to strong-arm the person who got her pregnant into shelling out 500 bucks to pay for it,” said company representative Monica Tollemache, adding that a woman would be able to go to any local pharmacy and purchase a low-cost team of burly thugs who could induce an abortion payment while the woman remained in the comfort of her own home. “Plan C is up to 99% effective in forcing that loser to cough up the cash when a beatdown is administered within one week after payday. While we do not recommend this product for routine use, we do recognize that a woman should be able to decide for herself whether the guy who knocked her up needs to be thrown against a wall in an alley and threatened, or even marched at gunpoint directly to an ATM.” Tollemache added that Plan C’s side effects were frequent but limited to intense physical pain for the impregnator.
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