NEW YORK—Cackling with glee as a violent storm swirled in the skies above, Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson announced plans Thursday to kill all human sperm via a giant, lightning-powered IUD mounted atop the organization’s headquarters. “Ha ha, ha ha! With this device, I will finally harness the ultra-effective birth control method of lightning, and Planned Parenthood will be unstoppable,” said McGill Johnson, who, after putting on goggles, long rubber gloves, and a white lab coat, threw her arms up into the air and screamed as 300 million volts of power coursed through the 50-foot-tall pulsating intrauterine device. “Yes! Yes! Starting today, no one shall ever fertilize an egg ever again! Once I flip this infertility switch, the world’s semen will start to boil, and then every sperm on the planet will be instantly vaporized. Say goodbye to conceiving your precious babies in three…two…one…” At press time, McGill Johnson reportedly dropped to her knees and screamed, “No, no!” after the massive IUD malfunctioned, shooting out bolts of lightning that brought all the dead sperm back to life and made them more virile than ever.
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