NEW YORK—Touting its state-of-the-art technology capable of detecting a fetus just three weeks after conception, Planned Parenthood announced Friday that it had developed and built its first fully functional heat-seeking abortion drone. “This drone, which features an intrauterine infrared camera and 3,000 pounds of anti-embryonic missiles, can seek and destroy a clump of cells the size of a pinhead,” said CEO Alexis McGill Johnson, adding that the unmanned aerial vehicle, which reportedly has a range of 1,200 miles and can be piloted from any Planned Parenthood clinic, is capable of recording detailed ultrasounds and eliminating a target during any phase of gestation. “Thanks to the more than $50 million in government funding we received for this project, we finally have an abortion drone that will keep our doctors safe while performing abortions from 50,000 feet in the air. We’ve already deployed it in remote, previously inaccessible parts of the United States, and have eliminated countless embryos with minimal civilian casualties.” At press time, Planned Parenthood acknowledged reports that pro-life protestors had shot the abortion drone straight out of the sky right as it was about to strike a wedding.
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