POINT:

All My Life, I’ve Worked Hard, Told The Truth, Been A Good Husband And Father, And Today I Was Diagnosed With Cancer

By Josh Hubbard
Photo: The Onion

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During my 48 years in this world, I’ve done my best to lead a good life. I’ve worked hard, been honest in my dealings with others, and tried to give generously of my time and talents. After marrying the love of my life, I settled down to make a home with her, and together we’re raising two beautiful daughters. Such things don’t spare one from fate, of course, but they went through my mind today when my doctor told me I have stage IV colon cancer.

The news knocked the breath out of me. It took all my strength just to ask “How long do I have?” As I sat there motionless, my wife holding me in her arms, tears streaming down both of our faces, my worst fears were confirmed: six months, maybe a year. That’s not much time to spend with loved ones.

I couldn’t help but think, why me? Why now? For almost 20 years, I’ve been a faithful, supportive husband. I’m a dad who’s always there for his kids, whether it’s soccer games, school plays, or math homework. After serving my country as a Marine, I took a job in my hometown and stayed active in my community. When you play by the rules, try to do what’s right, and then suddenly learn you won’t live to see your 50th birthday—well, it hardly seems fair.

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What’s more, I have a healthy lifestyle, always eating right and exercising. I’ve never smoked. My wife and I enjoy a glass of wine or beer from time to time, but I don’t drink to excess. I’m not claiming to be perfect—no one is—but I’ve lived a pretty clean life.

Still, here I am contemplating what will happen to my family when I’m no longer here for them. Will they lose the house? Will my daughters be able to afford college? Meanwhile, there are cancer treatments available that might buy me some time, but they’re expensive and could decimate our family’s savings. Regardless, I’ll never get to dance at my girls’ weddings or hold a newborn grandchild. That’s the curse of this disease: It takes who it wants, when it wants.

There’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it.


COUNTERPOINT:

I Feel Great!

By Donald Trump
President Of The United States
Photo: The Onion

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Boy, do I feel tremendous! I don’t think I’ve ever felt better in my whole life. I’m healthy. I’m rich. I’m incredibly powerful. My life is amazing, and it just keeps getting better, doesn’t it? Here’s a normal day for me: I wake up, I remember I’m the president and can do whatever the hell I want, and then I don’t take any meetings until 11. I don’t really have to work at all, not if I don’t want to. In fact, every four or five days I just go play golf at one of the clubs I own.

How great is that?

I thought I had a cold the other day, but it turned out to be nothing. I almost never get sick. If it happens, though, I have the best healthcare in the world, and it’s free. That’s a perk that comes with having lots of power. You might wonder why I have so much power, considering I’ve run business after business into the ground, but here I am. Looking back, I feel really great about the decisions I’ve made in life.

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And it’s going to be a long life. So long. You can count on that. I’m in excellent health, which is amazing when you consider I eat whatever I want and don’t exercise. But you have to remember, I have zero stress. What could I possibly stress out about? Seriously, if anything goes wrong in my life, I have so many people I can blame. It’s truly phenomenal.

Of course, my life has always been phenomenal. But right now is the peak. I can fly anywhere I want on Air Force One without paying a dime. I live in the White House and a giant skyscraper in New York, as well as at a high-end Florida resort where I’m able to interact exclusively with people who pay me steep membership fees. Oh, and did I mention that for the past couple years, I’ve been on the front page of the paper almost every day?

My dad lived to be 93, and I just might outdo him. We’ll see! But I take comfort knowing that when my time finally comes, my kids won’t have to worry about a thing. They’ll have millions of dollars and companies they can run. And who knows? Maybe one of them will follow in my footsteps and wind up in the Oval Office. Ivanka, Don Jr., and the others—they’re set for life.

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In the many great years I have ahead of me, I’m going to be happy, I’m going to be powerful, and I’m going to keep getting everything I want in this world, whether it’s real estate, women, media coverage, or political power. You can be sure I’ll do whatever I want and suffer no consequences for any of my actions. And you know what?

There’s not a goddamn thing you can do about it.