POLAND, ME—Underscoring the company’s commitment to preserving the environment, Poland Spring announced Tuesday it had developed a new eco-friendly water bottle that decomposes in just 300 years. “With our new eco-friendly plastic packaging, your discarded Poland Spring bottle will break down and be reclaimed by the earth in a mere three centuries—that’s almost 200 years faster than the industry standard,” said company spokesperson Dana Rodgers, noting that the change would begin saving space in landfills, reducing ocean waste, and cutting down on toxic chemicals leached into the soil as early as 2316. “You can breathe easy when purchasing refreshing Poland Spring water knowing that you’ll be leaving this world a cleaner, greener place for your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.” Officials added that the company was also working on a new smaller and less obstructive bottle cap that would moderately lengthen the amount of time a marine mammal would live after accidentally ingesting it.

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