HOUSTON, TX—Pleased by the unexpected boon to their department, local police officers reportedly flipped through a list of unsolved crimes Wednesday to see what else they could pin on Andy Poulton, the mentally disabled man currently in their custody. “Let’s see, we’ve got a whole bunch of open burglaries and assault cases here and this guy’s so nervous and desperate to please us that he’ll probably say anything just to get us to stop yelling at him,” said Officer Pete Bradley, confirming that forcing continuous confessions out of Poulton had increased his solve rate and provided some closure for dozens of grieving families in one fell swoop. “There’s an unsolved arson a couple counties over from where Poulton lived that I can definitely pinch him for. It happened when he was 9, but it’s not like he’s going to be able to recall his whereabouts back then so we’ve got him dead to rights as soon as he stops shaking and crying. “ At press time, authorities announced they had captured the most notorious serial killer in Texas history.