NEW YORK—Saying that the maneuver was 100 percent effective if administered correctly, police captain Matthew Carlson demonstrated the proper technique for subduing a grand jury to a group of younger officers Thursday. “First and foremost, it’s important to get a strong, firm hold on the state-level district attorney’s office before you do anything else—that way, you’re making sure you never put yourself in any direct danger,” said Carlson, who explained a series of self-defense moves that would ensure grand jurors interpret the law in such a way as to give police the widest latitude in justifying the use of force, adding that performing the moves correctly would cause jurors to submit to the officer’s will “in no time at all.” “When you’re out there facing a prosecutor’s questions about whether you were acting lawfully and with discretion, you won’t have time to think. And that’s why it’s important that all of you master this technique now, because inevitably, many of you will find yourselves in a situation where you’ll need to call on this training. But used properly, these methods will stop any prosecution in its tracks well before there’s an indictment.” Carlson went on to stress that subduing a grand jury is a last-ditch option, and that officers should always try to thwart any investigation well before there are official proceedings.
More from The Onion