CHICAGO—In an effort to take his young new partner under his wing, veteran police officer Trey Reynolds told rookie cop Brett Barnsdall on Wednesday that his firearm should only ever be drawn to secure early retirement, according to insiders. “A weapon as lethal as your gun should only be deployed as a last resort to ensure you are able to retire with a full pension a decade or so earlier than planned,” said the 37-year-old Reynolds, who stated that he had been with the department for 15 years and was hopefully just a few months away from shooting an unarmed civilian and being forced into early retirement with all of his benefits intact. “Never, ever discharge your pistol unless you know for sure that you’re eligible to receive a monthly annuity from the city. Remember, your baton is a great alternative to your firearm if you just want a week or two of paid administrative leave for a nice family getaway. But before you pull that gun out of its holster, you better be damn sure you’re ready to sit at home with your wife collecting a check for the rest of your life.” At press time, Reynolds and several of his fellow officers had reportedly decided to go in on a summer lake house following a 10-officer shootout with an unarmed teen.
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