LITTLE ROCK, AR—Facing criticisms of police brutality and unnecessary use of lethal force on a suspect, officers from the Little Rock Police Department stated in a press conference Thursday that the unarmed Black man they shot had been attacking them with psychic hallucinations. “Though the suspect in question did not have a weapon, we did see his nose start to bleed as he reached toward his temple and infiltrated our consciousness, conjuring up visions of our personal nightmares and trapping us all within an infinite prison of our own minds,” said Sgt. Peter Daniels, who went on to describe how he and other responding officers feared for their lives, believing themselves to see all manner of demonic, Lovecraftian behemoths tear through the fabric of reality and hearing an excruciating, high-pitched tone that inexplicably seemed to emanate from deep inside their own skulls. “In this moment, we had to make a snap decision, which was difficult because we had lost all sense of linear time, with some officers believing themselves to age 50 years and others regressing to the mental state of a toddler. Our handcuffs seemed to have turn into poisonous snakes that spoke in the voices of our childhood bullies, thus we could not simply apprehend the suspect and were forced to fire a total of 87 bullets into the perpetrator. Unfortunately, none of what transpired in our psyches will show up on the body-cam footage, but we can assure you that the many witnesses who claim the man was complying and had his hands up must have been tricked by another one of the suspect’s psychic projections.” Daniels added that officers on scene deeply regretted shooting the man, as he had implanted false memories in their brains to convince them he was their best friend.
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