LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Police Department confirmed Friday that incidences of sexual assault in 2010 have plummeted to record lows, that is, if one excludes the attacks that are just really awful and merciless. "Thanks to the tireless efforts of law enforcement, women are less likely to be mildly sexually assaulted than ever before," LAPD spokesman Jack Baker said. "Now, as far as women being raped and abused in the most horrify circumstances imaginable, those numbers are of course way, way up. Almost astronomically so, really." As the odds of being inappropriately touched by a stranger on a bus continue to drop, Baker added that citizens can now rest easy as long as they're not worried about having their throat slashed after being raped by a partner or close friend.

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