Whether it’s in small towns or large cities, law enforcement officials are leaving their posts in record numbers across the United States. The Onion asked police officers to explain why they are resigning en masse, and this is what they said.
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“If my community doesn’t respect me, why should I bother brutalizing them?”
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“Some folks are just ungrateful for the anger you’re taking out on them.”
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“Just quietly getting ahead of something the public hasn’t found out about yet.”
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“I’m too embarrassed to tell the lieutenant I ran out of bullets again.”
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“I realized there’s more money in selling militarized equipment than using it against civilians.”
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“I heard down in Florida they’ll let you tase a baby, no questions asked.”
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“New mayor is black.”
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“First our department isn’t allowed to look the other way on shooting kids anymore, and then they just up and cancel Taco Tuesdays?!”
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“Sometimes I feel like there has to be more to life than standing around a subway platform on my phone.”
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“Stop resisting!”
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“A rattlesnake got into the processing room. So naturally, no one wants to work in there, and no criminals get processed. So crime goes up. You can’t police a city so thoroughly run by a rattlesnake.”
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“I just don’t get treated the way I thought I would when I first imagined getting revenge on society by becoming a cop.”
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“You don’t honestly expect me to work for a department that only got a $20 million budget increase, do you?”
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“I found something new I could be terrible at.”
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“All this oversight has made it far too difficult to properly do my job as a mid-level cartel enforcer.”
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“I’m not resigning so much as moving to another police department where they don’t know about my sexual misconduct.”
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“Proud Boys have a better healthcare plan.”
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“I want to spend more time beating my wife and kids.”
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