Police Officers Explain Why They Are Resigning En Masse

Police Officers Explain Why They Are Resigning En Masse

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Whether it’s in small towns or large cities, law enforcement officials are leaving their posts in record numbers across the United States. The Onion asked police officers to explain why they are resigning en masse, and this is what they said.

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Officer Amanda Gonzalez

Officer Amanda Gonzalez

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​“If my community doesn’t respect me, why should I bother brutalizing them?”

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Officer Erik Garcia

Officer Erik Garcia

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“Some folks are just ungrateful for the anger you’re taking out on them.”

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Officer Natalie Akers

Officer Natalie Akers

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“Just quietly getting ahead of something the public hasn’t found out about yet.”

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Officer Frank Vicenzo

Officer Frank Vicenzo

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“I’m too embarrassed to tell the lieutenant I ran out of bullets again.”

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Officer Ellen Field

Officer Ellen Field

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“I realized there’s more money in selling militarized equipment than using it against civilians.”

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Sergeant Greg Bryant

Sergeant Greg Bryant

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“I heard down in Florida they’ll let you tase a baby, no questions asked.”

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Officer David Ellis

Officer David Ellis

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“New mayor is black.”

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Officer Dane Clingman

Officer Dane Clingman

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“First our department isn’t allowed to look the other way on shooting kids anymore, and then they just up and cancel Taco Tuesdays?!”

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Officer Phil Ogden

Officer Phil Ogden

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“Sometimes I feel like there has to be more to life than standing around a subway platform on my phone.”

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Officer Max Murphy

Officer Max Murphy

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Stop resisting!

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Officer Jed Marigold

Officer Jed Marigold

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“A rattlesnake got into the processing room. So naturally, no one wants to work in there, and no criminals get processed. So crime goes up. You can’t police a city so thoroughly run by a rattlesnake.”

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Officer Trevor McCormick

Officer Trevor McCormick

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“I just don’t get treated the way I thought I would when I first imagined getting revenge on society by becoming a cop.”

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Officer Suze Reynolds

Officer Suze Reynolds

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“You don’t honestly expect me to work for a department that only got a $20 million budget increase, do you?”

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Mayor Eric Adams

Mayor Eric Adams

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“I found something new I could be terrible at.”

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Officer Ronald Allen

Officer Ronald Allen

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“All this oversight has made it far too difficult to properly do my job as a mid-level cartel enforcer.”

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Officer Trevor O’Donnell

Officer Trevor O’Donnell

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“I’m not resigning so much as moving to another police department where they don’t know about my sexual misconduct.”

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Officer Don Carr

Officer Don Carr

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“Proud Boys have a better healthcare plan.”

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Officer Jim Holland

Officer Jim Holland

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“I want to spend more time beating my wife and kids.”

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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