WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like a poor person. “Even after all these years of running for office, nothing gets my juices going faster than waltzing around like I’m some nobody loser making minimum wage,” said Hastings, adding that the second he stepped into an impoverished neighborhood, his eyes dilated, his heart pounded, and a shiver immediately went up and down his spine. “Oh yeah. Eating shit food in a disgusting, run-down diner? Talking about ‘our community’ with some old guys at a barber shop? Saying how hard I worked to overcome obstacles and pull myself up by my bootstraps? And then hopping in my private jet and going home to my mansion? That’s the stuff. That’s the stuff.” At press time, Hastings told reporters he would have to excuse himself, because he had ejaculated after pretending to be poor by taking public transit for a mere 30 seconds.
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