Republicans in Congress are attempting to use the debt ceiling standoff to push work requirements for food stamp recipients. The Onion asked politicians why they support the controversial bill, and this is what they said.
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“The people who mow our lawns, wash our dishes, and bathe our aging parents need to learn the value of a day’s work.”
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“What if they spend them on frivolous things, like food?”
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“If you could get free soup without working, 97% of Americans would quit their jobs tomorrow.”
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“Work gets you money. Money gets you food. Food gets you stamps? This is confusing.”
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“Food stamps, no food stamps, let’s give them a work requirement either way.”
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“Food tastes better at the brink of exhaustion.”
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“Walmart has been on our ass about getting them some bodies.”
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“What if they get addicted to the food?”
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“I don’t understand why we’re having to convince people to get a job. It’s awesome! Jobs give you a minimum $174,000 salary, housing, health insurance, life insurance, annual allowances, a pension, a family death gratuity, free parking, retirement benefits, tax deductions, a car subsidy, and free childcare. Who wouldn’t want that?”
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“Well, it’s either that or the deliberate government-instigated famine I’ve proposed.”
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“I own 16 Subway franchises, and I need more leverage if I’m going to drive wages down.”
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“I come from a hardscrabble background, so I know exactly how to screw people like me.”
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“So you’re a quadriplegic who can’t work because of some ‘mining accident,’ blah, blah, blah, don’t wanna hear it, get a job at CVS.”
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“Food stamps trap poor people in a vicious cycle of needing more food every day just to survive.”
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“Food doesn’t just grow on trees.”
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“Where in the Bible does it mention helping the poor?”
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“Mooching off of government funds is only for congresspeople.”
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