Despite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said.
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“Maybe they should have thought about that before they were born into a cycle of poverty from which they will never escape.”
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“I don’t want our children to get hooked on basic human sustenance.”
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“There simply isn’t enough coleslaw to go around.”
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“The skinnier they are, the harder it is for them to get shot by their classmates.”
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“I wouldn’t be doing my job if I wasn’t making the most vulnerable among us needlessly suffer.”
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“We’ve been over this. Kids were only temporarily hungry during Covid. Since the vaccine, they aren’t hungry anymore.”
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“There’s plenty of outdated textbooks they can eat if they really get hungry.”
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“How the heck does free lunch help coal barons get richer? By the way, if you find a way to make that connection, I’m all in on free lunch.”
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“That’s taxpayer funds that should be going toward my salary.”
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“We can’t keep relying on foreign countries to produce those spindly children with the distended stomachs.”
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“If they eat lunch, they won’t be hungry enough to come looking for my house made of candy in the woods.”
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“It’s okay if we don’t feed them in school. If a child dies from starvation, they are fed a feast in heaven.”
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“It’s a complicated issue. I hear the word ‘free,’ I feel livid. Then I hear the word ‘school,’ and I feel horny.”
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“So liberals want to cancel child hunger now?”
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“The only time children should eat for free is if they can win a 72-ounce-porterhouse-steak-eating contest.”
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“If we give children food, shelter, and attention for free at school, they’re going to start expecting those things at home.”
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“I just have serious concerns about children eating and getting fat, those dumb fat fucks. Imagine millions of snotty fat disgusting fatty fat children crawling all over the streets, mashing their fat stupid fucking butts all over the nice chairs. Horrible.”
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“Suddenly the woke left wants you to believe that children under 18 need to ingest food to survive.”
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“I’ve never eaten lunch a day in my life. I eat three quick breakfast right in succession and no other meals, and look how I turned out.”
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“I’m trying to help them. There’s all kinds of unregulated chemicals we allow in their food.”
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“Our children should not have to consume all these woke calories for sustenance.”
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“Because 11 a.m. is dinnertime.”
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“School lunch should come out of teachers’ salaries.”
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