Currently, the U.S. Supreme Court sits nine justices, three of whom were appointed by former President Donald Trump. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose President Biden expanding the court and appointing more justices of his own, and this is what they said.
“I think nine people who aren’t accountable to anyone is more than enough.”
“Attacking the Supreme Court could upset the balance of power between the executive, judicial, and Joe Manchin branches of government.”
“If we start expanding it, we’ll have to expand it for everybody, until all 335 million Americans are seated on the court.”
“Well, if you want, we can just shrink the court to only Clarence Thomas.”
“I mean, I’ll double-check, but I’m pretty sure this is not within my power as the mayor of Tucson.”
“We should shrink and expand the court at the same time. How, you ask? The answer: one big justice. Tens, possibly hundreds of feet tall, and as wide as a house. But still only one person. And for checks and balances, the president gets to ride the justice once a month.”
“I don’t want to have to learn a bunch of new names.”
“If the court gets too big, we could risk it collapsing in on itself and forming a singularity that would obliterate all matter in sight.”
“I think it would get a little loud with 13 justices banging their gavels all day.”
“Congress just spent a lot of money on a nine-person tandem bicycle.”
“What did I come into this room for again?”
“Nine is the most I’ll accept because I just don’t trust these newfangled double-digit numbers.”
“Unfortunately, the Constitution itself limits us by stipulating that Democrats must get rolled on every policy battle.”
“I still want to feel like I have an active hand in destroying democracy.”
“It’s already too big, if you ask me. After all, the Power Rangers only had five people. I guess technically six, if you count Tommy, the Green Ranger, who would become the White Ranger at the end of season two, but that’s still less than nine, you know?”
“Where will it end? Dogs on the Supreme Court?”
“Nobody has offered me enough money to make it worth my while.”