The National Rifle Association continues to be a major lobbying force in American politics, shaping the agenda in Washington through targeted donations. The Onion asked members of Congress why they accepted these donations, and this is how they responded.
As a believer in the importance of dialogue and compromise, I keep my wallet open to all Americans.”
“Every night before bed, I pray for the souls of these little ones who have been gunned down. And then their sweet little voices usually whisper in my ear, ‘John, don’t be crazy. Take the money!’”
“I don’t need the money, but sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to talk to.”
“I like to masturbate to photos of gun victims.”
“I didn’t want to take NRA money, I swear! You gotta believe me. They told me they’d kill me and everyone I love if I didn’t. You see what they did at Sandy Hook? Those fuckers are insane!”
“I need the money to keep me away from playing video games and watching all the porn that could emasculate me.”
“I downright refused to take their lowball first offer, if that helps.”
“Just because I’m a mother doesn’t mean I have a conscience.”
“Because we all get a good laugh when they funnel it through the American Federation of Teachers.”
“I love murder and killing.”
“I look at the number 2,449, which is how many gun deaths my state has every year. And then I look over at the number $3,303,355, which is how much the NRA has given me over my career. And I keep looking back and forth, and then I just go for the $3 million one, since it’s bigger.”
“Simply put, we live in a capitalist country. Under the current iteration of capitalism, there needs to be exploitation of workers in order to generate profits for the owner class. This exploitation needs to be backed by the threat of violence, which remains implicit unless explicit violence is determined necessary by the owner class. The constant need for increased profits demands increased exploitation, which demands an increased threat of violence or, in some cases, actual violence. In a world where resources are systematically withheld from the masses, violence looms ever more prominently as an answer—in fact, as the only answer. We representatives of the owner class understand the need to foster the shocks of violence as engines of economic growth, and every dollar the NRA donates reminds us of that. Plus, guns look cool.”
“If you know of a better way to be bought and sold to radical gun lobbyists, I’m all ears.”
“It actually makes sense when you consider the fact I want guns in every hand firing all at once until everyone’s dead.”
“I’d also very happily take money from an opposing group that supports killing people with knives.”
“I am too dumb to do the insider-trading stuff, so it’s this or fracking.”
“In any given situation, I ask myself what would be the most evil possible course of action, then I go with that.”
“I’m a firm believer in equality, so I refuse to discriminate between different types of money—be it blood or otherwise.”
“Have you ever held a gun in your hand? To feel like a god of death? To be Hades or Kali or Hel? If you had, you’d never ask me about the NRA.”
“If you knew who else I took money from, you’d stop asking about the NRA right this second.”
“Why? You see a fucking check for $4.5 million from Moms Demand Action?”