While TikTok remains the most popular social media platform among today’s youth, many critics accuse the Chinese government of using it as a tool to spy on Americans. The Onion asked several prominent politicians why the app should be banned, and this is what they said.
“They’ve got way too many safeguards for kids.”
“I just think it’s vital that we alienate as many young people as possible.”
“I’m tired of seeing videos of my son ordering Starbucks.”
“I’ve been saying technology should be banned since the telegraph, but no one ever listens.”
“I watched a video about the difference between millennial and Gen Z fashion, and now the Chinese government knows I’m out of touch.”
“Thanks to TikTok, I completely botched my DIY nipple piercing.”
“There’s better porn on Twitter.”
“No American should use Chinese products. I immediately removed all my clothes after realizing they were made in China, which is why I’m sitting here ass-naked.”
“Kids should be socializing on an American app, like Tinder.”
“I’m looking for something new to yell at children about.”
“There are better conspiracy videos on YouTube.”
“My ‘Democrats Be Like’ video barely got a hundred likes, which is literally impossible unless TikTok’s ‘For You’ algorithm is biased.”
“Not a fan of anything that has age restrictions.”
“Too many sluts.”
“For the life of me, I cannot manage to go viral.”
“Teens should be learning to dance by buying my workout video series Moving With Mitch.”
“Charli D’Amelio won’t follow me back.”
“We already have all we require.”