Politicians Explain Why TikTok Should Be Banned

Politicians Explain Why TikTok Should Be Banned

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While TikTok remains the most popular social media platform among today’s youth, many critics accuse the Chinese government of using it as a tool to spy on Americans. The Onion asked several prominent politicians why the app should be banned, and this is what they said.

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Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL)

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“They’ve got way too many safeguards for kids.”

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Senator Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)

Senator Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)

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“I just think it’s vital that we alienate as many young people as possible.”

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Herschel Walker

Herschel Walker

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“I’m tired of seeing videos of my son ordering Starbucks.”

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Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA)

Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA)

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“I’ve been saying technology should be banned since the telegraph, but no one ever listens.”

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Kari Lake

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“I watched a video about the difference between millennial and Gen Z fashion, and now the Chinese government knows I’m out of touch.”

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Senator Rand Paul (R-KY)

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY)

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“Thanks to TikTok, I completely botched my DIY nipple piercing.”

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Senator Susan Collins (R-ME)

Senator Susan Collins (R-ME)

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“There’s better porn on Twitter.”

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Senator Mike Lee (R-UT)

Senator Mike Lee (R-UT)

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“No American should use Chinese products. I immediately removed all my clothes after realizing they were made in China, which is why I’m sitting here ass-naked.”

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Former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore

Former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore

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“Kids should be socializing on an American app, like Tinder.”

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Senator Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ)

Senator Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ)

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“I’m looking for something new to yell at children about.”

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Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)

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“There are better conspiracy videos on YouTube.”

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Governor Eric Holcomb (R-IN)

Governor Eric Holcomb (R-IN)

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“My ‘Democrats Be Like’ video barely got a hundred likes, which is literally impossible unless TikTok’s ‘For You’ algorithm is biased.”

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Rudy Giuliani

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“Not a fan of anything that has age restrictions.”

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Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)

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“Too many sluts.”

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Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO)

Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO)

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“For the life of me, I cannot manage to go viral.”

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Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY)

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“Teens should be learning to dance by buying my workout video series Moving With Mitch.”

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Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX)

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX)

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“Charli D’Amelio won’t follow me back.”

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Xi Jinping

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“We already have all we require.”

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