PoliticsDNC Concerned After Poll Shows Only 15% Of Americans Have Heard Name Joe BidenWASHINGTON—Spelling trouble ahead of the 2024 election, Democratic National Committee officials were reportedly concerned Monday after a new poll showed that only 15% of Americans have heard of the name Joe Biden. “A full 85% of American voters just…
PoliticsSnickering Teen Angels Appear Before Mike Pence To Tell Him It’s Totally God’s Will To Keep Running For President
PoliticsZelensky Grabs Whatever Office Supplies He Can Get Hands On In Capitol, Saying He Needs It For WarWASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he…
PoliticsRepublicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running MateWhile Donald Trump has yet to pick a running mate for 2024, several notable individuals are aggressively vying for the role. The Onion asked Republicans why they should be Trump’s VP, and this is what they said.
Politics‘A Clue!’ Exclaims Kevin McCarthy After Finding Footprints That Match Biden’s ShoesWASHINGTON—Crouching down with a large magnifying glass to his eye, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy reportedly exclaimed, “A clue!” Friday after finding footprints on the House floor matching President Joe Biden’s shoes. “I say, this footprint appears…
PoliticsPoliticsBiden Attempts To Ease Worries About His Age With Dramatic Face LiftWASHINGTON—Amid startled screams and gasps as the 46th commander in chief addressed the country, President Joe Biden…PublishedSeptember 7, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsConservatives Explain Why Fulton County DA Fani Willis Should Be ImpeachedGeorgia Republicans are furious after Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis indicted former President Donald…PublishedSeptember 5, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsRepublicans Urge Americans To Look Away From McConnell Or Else They Too Shall FreezeWASHINGTON—Following the second press conference in five weeks during which the 81-year-old was temporarily unable…PublishedAugust 31, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsTim Scott Beckons To Campaign Rally Attendee He Wants To Bring Backstage To FuckGREENVILLE, SC—Amid raucous, uproarious applause at the end of a stump speech, presidential hopeful Sen. Tim Scott…PublishedAugust 31, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsBiden Warns Zelensky If He Can’t Win War, U.S. Will Overthrow Him With Someone Who WillWASHINGTON—Telling his counterpart that he was losing patience with the stalled counteroffensive, President Joe…PublishedAugust 31, 2023
PoliticsInfographicPoliticsInfographicPresidential Candidate Profile: Vivek RamaswamyFormer biotech executive Vivek Ramaswamy has recently been placing third in polls for the 2024 Republican…PublishedAugust 31, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsDemocrats Respond To Jacksonville Shooting With Proposal To Remove Black People From CirculationWASHINGTON—Following a Jacksonville, FL mass shooting in which a white assailant killed three African Americans,…PublishedAugust 28, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsBody Language Expert Explains All Republican Debate Participants Just Finished Having Sex With Each OtherMILWAUKEE—Analyzing the behavior on display during Wednesday night’s Republican presidential debate, a body language…PublishedAugust 24, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsDeflating Chris Christie Whizzes Around Debate Stage After Being Popped By U.S. Flag PinMILWAUKEE—In the wake of an aide’s failed attempt to properly affix the patriotic symbol to the former New Jersey …PublishedAugust 23, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsRepublican Presidential Candidates Undergo Mandatory Genital Checks Ahead Of First DebateMILWAUKEE—Lining up in the hallway dressed in hospital gowns, Republican presidential candidates underwent mandatory…PublishedAugust 23, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsWhat To Expect From The First GOP DebateThe first debate of the 2024 election cycle is unfortunately upon us, taking place in Milwaukee this evening and …PublishedAugust 23, 2023
PoliticsPoliticsBest Strategies From Ron DeSantis’ Leaked Debate MemoA leaked memo from the Never Back Down super PAC provided a helpful plan of action for Gov. Ron DeSantis to follow…PublishedAugust 23, 2023