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A History Of The U.S. Debt Ceiling

Congress is debating an 11th-hour compromise plan on the nation’s debt ceiling that would stave off a U.S. default. The Onion looks back at the history and crises of one of America’s most sacred institutions.

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Conservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride Merchandise

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Matt Gaetz Takes Out Half-Page Ad In House Bill Congratulating Teen Girl On High School Graduation

WASHINGTON—Shelling out $55 for the loving tribute, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) reportedly took out a half-page ad in a House bill Friday to congratulate a local teen girl on her high school graduation. “Congrats, Kayla, so proud of you, punkin!” read…

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Ron DeSantis Relaunches Presidential Campaign From Inside Burning Tesla

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Attempting his formal announcement again in an effort to compensate for last night’s glitch-ridden debacle on Twitter, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly relaunched his presidential campaign Thursday from inside a burning Tesla.…

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Presidential Candidate Profile: Tim Scott

South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott announced his candidacy for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination on Monday, becoming the sixth member of his party to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Tim Scott:

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Senate Freaking Out After Dianne Feinstein Gets Her Hands On Gun

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Matt Gaetz Announces Official Run For McArthur High Prom King

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Ricocheting Bullets Swiss Cheese Greg Abbott’s Hat During Press Conference

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Body Language Fact: Did You Know?

104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice

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Quiz: Could You Pass A Police Officer Entrance Exam?

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Meaning Fact: Did You Know?

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Goofy Beats Ron DeSantis To Death With Crowbar

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Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices

WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) told reporters Wednesday he had evidence that Roblox was actively…

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Ron DeSantis Introduces New Son Barron Trump

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the teenager his pride and joy to the gathering of supporters, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) reportedly introduced his new son Barron Trump at a Friday rally. “That’s my boy, everyone—give the crowd a big smile, Barron,”…

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Trump Slams Biden As America’s Most Flat-Assed President

PALM BEACH, FL—Calling into question whether he had the junk in the trunk necessary to lead the country, Donald Trump reportedly slammed President Joe Biden Wednesday as America’s most flat-assed president. “You won’t hear the media reporting on it,…

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Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans

WASHINGTON—Praising the last-minute agreement to deny the laborers any sort of civility or respect, President Joe Biden signed legislation Friday to avert a crisis in which rail workers might have been treated like actual human beings. “We were only…

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Biden Meets With Turkeys Who’ve Lost Loved Ones To Thanksgiving

WASHINGTON—Looking into the birds’ eyes and placing a hand on their shoulders, President Joe Biden met at the White House with a group of turkeys who had lost their loved ones to Thanksgiving, White House sources confirmed Wednesday. “There,…

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Kamala Harris Picks Up Seasonal Job At Macy’s

WASHINGTON—In an effort to earn a little extra cash ahead of the holiday season, Vice President Kamala Harris told reporters Thursday she had picked up a seasonal job at a D.C.-area Macy’s. “Technically, I don’t think I’m supposed to have a second…

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A History Of The U.S. Debt Ceiling

Conservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride Merchandise

Matt Gaetz Takes Out Half-Page Ad In House Bill Congratulating Teen Girl On High School Graduation

Ron DeSantis Relaunches Presidential Campaign From Inside Burning Tesla

Presidential Candidate Profile: Tim Scott

Senate Freaking Out After Dianne Feinstein Gets Her Hands On Gun

Matt Gaetz Announces Official Run For McArthur High Prom King

Ricocheting Bullets Swiss Cheese Greg Abbott’s Hat During Press Conference

Watch

News In Brief

Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices

Ron DeSantis Introduces New Son Barron Trump

Trump Slams Biden As America’s Most Flat-Assed President

Biden Signs Legislation To Avert Crisis Of Treating Rail Workers Like Humans

Biden Meets With Turkeys Who’ve Lost Loved Ones To Thanksgiving

Kamala Harris Picks Up Seasonal Job At Macy’s

News In Photos

Ricocheting Bullets Swiss Cheese Greg Abbott’s Hat During Press Conference

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Eats A Kid

Lori Lightfoot Solemnly Removes Official Mayoral Jamiroquai Hat

Kyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine