News In Brief

PoliticsNews In Brief

Kamala Harris Deeply Troubled By Images Of Haitian Migrants At Border Whom She Distinctly Remembers Telling Not To Come Here

WASHINGTON—Monitoring the tense situation at a migrant camp in Del Rio, TX, Vice President Kamala Harris told…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Poll Finds Most Americans Would Swap Democracy For $100 Best Buy Gift Card

WASHINGTON—According to the results of a new poll released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, the majority of…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Democrats Face New Hurdle After Republicans Gerrymander All Left-Leaning Voters Into Single House District

WASHINGTON—Scrambling to respond to the sudden shift in electoral realities, Democrats reportedly faced new hurdles…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About

WASHINGTON—Having thus far caved on eliminating the filibuster, advancing an adequate climate change agenda, and…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Joe Manchin Slammed For Stealing Spotlight From Other Democratic Senators Who Also Oppose Progressive Legislation

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the West Virginia senator for his blatant self-interest, Joe Manchin (D-WV) was slammed by…

PoliticsNews In Brief

‘Take Your Place By My Side And We Can Rule New York Forever,’ Says Covid To Disgraced, Vengeful Andrew Cuomo

NEW YORK—Tempting him with the promise that they could rule New York forever, the novel coronavirus reportedly…

PoliticsNews In Brief

‘Rise Up, Patriots!’ Rand Paul Calls To Intubated Patients Lying Unconscious In Hospital ICU

WASHINGTON—Rallying patients lying unconscious in the intensive care unit of George Washington University Hospital,…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Senate Loses Congress Contract To Upstart Private Legislator Firm

WASHINGTON—The members of the U.S. Senate were seen Tuesday packing up their Capitol offices after the Senate…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Bat-Wielding Jim Jordan Bursts Through Capitol Window Demanding To Be Allowed Onto January 6 Committee

WASHINGTON—Shoving down barriers, sprinting up the steps, and smashing his fist through a thick pane of glass,…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Nervous Biden Rushes Past Intimidating Circle Of Senators Smoking Weed On Capitol Steps

WASHINGTON—Clutching his briefcase and keeping his eyes averted as he approached, President Joe Biden rushed past an…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Rosalynn Carter Scatters Peanut Shells Onto Bed To Prepare For Sensuous Date Night

PoliticsNews In Brief

Ron DeSantis Requires Florida Residents To Reinforce Bones With Steel, Concrete

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Warning that the weak, calcified structures were particularly susceptible to critical failure, Ron…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Labor Department Announces Plans To Stop Counting Jobs And Just Enjoy Economy

WASHINGTON—Vowing to never again make the same mistake, the U.S. Department of Labor announced Friday that they…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Senate Passes Bill Wishing Younger Generations Best Of Luck Stopping Climate Change

WASHINGTON—Calling the legislation “long overdue,” the U.S. Senate passed a bill Wednesday wishing younger…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Contractor Informs Biden It’d Be Cheaper To Just Tear Down U.S. And Start Over

WASHINGTON—Shaking his head and sighing while poking around various rotting, dilapidated sections of the 3.8-million-…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Infrastructure Talks Come To Halt After Giant Sinkhole Swallows Capitol Building

WASHINGTON—In a devastating setback to negotiations that have been plagued for weeks by partisan gridlock, sources…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Andrew Yang Picking Up A Few Souvenirs On Way Back Home From New York Visit

NEW YORK—Flipping through a rack of NYPD T-shirts at a gift shop, former mayoral candidate Andrew Yang told…

PoliticsNews In Brief

NYC Mayoral Primary Results Delayed Until Officials Finish Watching YouTube Explainer On Ranked Choice Voting

NEW YORK—Estimating the process could take weeks, New York City election officials confirmed Wednesday that results…

PoliticsNews In Brief

De Blasio: ‘Well, Well, Well, Not So Easy To Find A Mayor That Doesn’t Suck, Huh?’

NEW YORK—Clucking his tongue with mock disappointment, Bill De Blasio announced to New Yorkers that “It’s not so…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Andrew Yang Tries To Buy Banana From Voting Booth

NEW YORK—Smiling broadly as he entered the polling place, mayoral candidate Andrew Yang tried to buy a banana from a…