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PoliticsNews In Brief

John Fetterman Offers Voters Medical Transparency By Ripping Heart Out Of Chest

LANCASTER, PA—Responding to growing demands from critics that he address ongoing concerns about his health, U.S.…

PoliticsNews In Brief

‘I’m Mr. Q The Pedophile Or Whatever,’ Trump Says In Half-Assed Attempt To Pander To QAnon

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Addressing a rally this week with a lazy attempt to appeal to his supporters, former President Donald…

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Far-Right Republican Wondering What He Has To Do To Get Media To Stop Calling Him Moderate

WASHINGTON—Wondering if anyone had even looked at his voting record, Rep. David Hoffman (R-NC), a far-right member…

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Greg Abbott Sends Hundreds Of Migrants To DeSantis’ House To Teach Him Lesson About Stealing Idea

AUSTIN, TX—Citing a lack of originality in the Florida governor’s decision to ship displaced Venezuelans to Martha’s…

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Herschel Walker Brushes Up On Theoretical Physics, Linguistics To Formulate Ideal Conditions For Warnock Debate

SAVANNAH, GA—Having not yet committed to participate in any of three scheduled debates with incumbent Georgia Sen.…

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Biden Unveils Student Loan Forgiveness Plan Requiring Taxpayers To Be Dragged Into Street And Killed Like Dogs

WASHINGTON—Detailing the features of his controversial new debt-relief program intended to violently massacre…

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Kamala Harris Quietly Steps Into Frame Behind Biden During Student Debt Cancellation Announcement

WASHINGTON—Slowly edging into a room filled with White House advisors and congressional leaders, Vice President…

PoliticsNews In Brief

New Texas Law Requires Gun Buyers To Show Proof Of Mental Illness

AUSTIN, TX—Calling it a “vital” first step toward regulating mass shootings, Texas lawmakers passed a new law Monday…

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Trump Boys Thrilled FBI Seized Documents, Leaving Dozens Of Empty Boxes To Play In

PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the…

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Biden: U.S. Won’t Rest Until Brittney Griner Returned Home To Serve Marijuana Possession Sentence

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that he intended to make the diplomatic situation his top priority, President Biden…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Pelosi Moved By China’s Spectacular Show Of Military Force Celebrating Her Visit To Asia

TAIPEI—Explaining that the powerful display had left her feeling humbled and honored, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi…

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‘And I Want Your Tie Too,’ Says Sinema, Giving Biden Conditions Of Her Support For Bill

WASHINGTON—Pulling no punches in her negotiations with the president, Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) demanded Joe…

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Desperate Biden Announces Halloween Will Now Happen Every Month

WASHINGTON—In an apparent attempt to address flagging approval ratings and daunting prospects in the midterms, a…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Nancy Pelosi Assures China Taiwan Visit Part Of Bachelorette Party She Didn’t Plan

TAIPEI—Responding to widespread condemnation of the trip from Chinese officials, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Mitch McConnell Requests 50 Million Additional Gallons Of Floodwater For Kentucky Flood Victims

WASHINGTON—In response to the massive flooding in Appalachian mountain communities that has claimed at least 37…

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Estonia Announces Interest In Assuming America’s Role As Global Superpower

TALLINN, ESTONIA—Submitting their candidacy for the rest of the world to consider, officials from Estonia reportedly…

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McConnell Reclaims Senate Majority After Convincing Dianne Feinstein She’s Always Been Republican

WASHINGTON—Flipping the powerful legislative body back in his party’s favor, Sen. Mitch McConnell reclaimed the…

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Backpedaling Republicans Unveil Bill Rapidly Expanding Veterans’ Access To Burn Pits

WASHINGTON—Countering the stalled PACT Act with a measure of their own, Senate Republicans unveiled a new bill…

PoliticsNews In Brief

China Threatens To Retaliate For Pelosi’s Taiwan Trip By Letting Her Return Safely

BEIJING—Warning the United States that the House Speaker would be spared, China reportedly threatened to retaliate…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Jan. 6 Panel Finds Over 200 Congresspeople Hooked Up Believing They Were About To Die

WASHINGTON—As evidence continues to emerge regarding the actions of U.S. lawmakers during the 2021 attack on the…