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PoliticsNews In Brief

Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person

WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Trump Urges Dr. Oz To Declare Victory Against Biden In 2020 Election

PALM BEACH, FL—In a series of posts shared to social media platform Truth Social, Donald Trump reportedly urged Dr.…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades

SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing,…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures

WASHINGTON—Sending members of Congress ducking under their seats and covering their ears, the U.S. Capitol building…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Bombshell Report Finds Democrats Conspiring With Bookie To Deliberately Throw Midterms

WASHINGTON—In a shocking revelation that alleged the party would receive money in exchange for taking a dive, a…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Biden Tries To Boost Approval Ratings By Showing A Little Ankle

WASHINGTON—In a new strategy developed by top White House advisors and Democratic consultants, President Joe Biden…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Ohio Law Mandates Rape Victims Send Thank You Notes For Gift Of Parenthood

COLUMBUS, OH—Eliciting both outrage and acclaim from each side of the political aisle, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) sign…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Congress Passes $33 Billion Bill To Send War-Torn Ukraine Free Community College

WASHINGTON—In response to continued Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, Congress unanimously passed a $33 billion…

PoliticsNews In Brief

New Tennessee Law Requires Women To Wait 24 Hours Before Getting A Burger

NASHVILLE, TN—Joining a growing number of states imposing waiting period restrictions, Tennessee passed a new law…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Dianne Feinstein Argues She Still Perfectly Mentally Fit To Continue Captaining Submarine

WASHINGTON—Defending her performance against recent reports of cognitive decline, senior United States senator…

PoliticsNews In Brief

‘I’ll Tell You When I’ve Had Enough,’ Says Pete Buttigieg, Blowing Off Steam With Another Round Through Car Wash

WASHINGTON—Unwinding after a particularly stressful day as U.S. Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg was…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Pundits Warn Midterms Could Spell Doom For Democrats After Beto O’Rourke Announces Candidacy In Every Race In Country

WASHINGTON—Calling a catastrophic midterm outcome “all but certain” for Democrats, political pundits were sounding…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Buttigieg Brushes Up On Honking For Upcoming Talks With Nation’s Big Rigs

WASHINGTON—His lips flaring as he forced the loud blasts out of his lungs, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Hillary Clinton Receives $225,000 Speaking Fee For Telling Grandson Bedtime Story

NEW YORK—According to tax filings obtained from the Clinton Foundation, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton…

PoliticsNews In Brief

White House Press Secretary Asks Reporter Chanting ‘Kill, Kill, Kill’ If He Has An Actual Question

WASHINGTON—After letting out a sigh of apparent exasperation, outgoing White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki took a…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Masked, Visibly Erect Republicans Condemn Cawthorn’s Cocaine Orgy Claims As Patently False

WASHINGTON—In a strong rebuke of the congressman’s claims that government officials invited him to orgies and…

PoliticsNews In Brief

‘This City. These People. All Sheep, And I Am Their Shepherd,’ Says Eric Adams, Looking Out Over New York

NEW YORK—Clasping his hands behind his back and looking out over Manhattan’s iconic skyline, New York mayor Eric…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Biden Cuts NATO Summit Short To Squeeze In Chocolate Tour Of Brussels

BRUSSELS—Speaking at an uncharacteristically rapid pace to move the meeting along more quickly, President Joe Biden…

PoliticsNews In Brief

U.S. Announces It Will Allow Ukrainian Refugees After Deporting 100,000 Central Americans Seeking Asylum

WASHINGTON—In the face of international criticism over not accepting enough people fleeing the war-torn nation, U.S.…

PoliticsNews In Brief

Senate Republicans Attack Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Lack Of Experience On U.S. Supreme Court

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the glaring gap in her record raised serious questions about her fitness for the role,…