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PoliticsObama Years

After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated,…

PoliticsObama Years

Romney Wins, Obama Reelected, Supernova Destroys Earth All Possibilities In A Random Universe

Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

PoliticsObama Years

How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day

How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends…

PoliticsObama Years

Paul Ryan Spending Final Day Of Campaign Reminding Homeless People They Did This To Themselves

Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that…

PoliticsObama Years

America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign

America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a…

PoliticsObama Years

Nation's Roommates Debut New TV Spot Insisting 'Elections Are Bullshit'

Full Report at 2 p.m. EDT/1 p.m. CDT

PoliticsObama Years

New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose

Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently…

PoliticsObama Years

PREVIEW: Take An Exclusive Glimpse At The New Hyper-Violent Voting Booths

New interactive, violent voting machines expected to boost turnout on Election Day. Full report at 2:00 p.m.…

PoliticsObama Years

'Please Don't Let Me Die In Here' Begs Voter In Cutting Edge Debate Booth

Americans talk directly to the candidates in the first test of ONN's amazing, 100% safe DemocraKiosk booths.

PoliticsObama Years

Hot New App From The GOP Modernizes Minority Voter Suppression

No more waiting in long lines just to have your vote thrown away! A new app makes it easier than ever for minorities…

PoliticsObama Years

ONN's Presidential Debate Gives Average Americans Totally Unsupervised Airtime

Voters can't wait to show Obama and Romney the pointless talents that make America great.

PoliticsObama Years

Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

BREAKING: Analysts are scrambling to determine what leaked searches like "Blood child, blood on the child" and "must…

PoliticsObama Years

The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Florida

The Onion profiles key battleground state Florida, known for being a state that can go either way. For instance, in…

PoliticsObama Years

The Onion's Swing State Analysis: Ohio

Ohio figures to once again be a key battleground state. The Onion presents its profile of the swing state that…

PoliticsObama Years

The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney

Your pathetic, statistically meaningless vote is more important than ever this year. To help you make the right…

PoliticsObama Years

The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama

Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic…

PoliticsObama Years

Introducing The Onion's 2012 Election Coverage

Mandatory Viewing For All Americans

PoliticsObama Years

Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up For Flood Of Closeted Republicans

Tampa Bay gay sex workers say they plan to rake in the cash sucking off secretly gay Republican politicians during…

PoliticsObama Years

Obama Starring In New Judd Apatow Comedy To Appeal To Younger Voters

In an attempt to court the youth vote, Obama will star in the full-length Judd Apatow comedy "Commander In Steve"…

PoliticsObama Years

GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November

Republicans are reminding seniors to take their blood pressure medication, hoping they won't die before voting on…