ORANGE, CA—Surpassing their anxieties regarding public speaking, mass shootings, and natural disasters, Americans’ single greatest concern, according to the latest results of the Chapman Survey On American Fears released Friday, is that their waitress will forget about them. “More than 70 percent of the individuals we surveyed listed having their waitress set down some glasses of water, promise to come back and take their order when they’re ready, and then never return to their table as their number one fear in life,” said sociologist Christopher Bader, adding that the majority of the 1,500 poll respondents said they experience a deep and persistent worry that their server will continue attending to other patrons, but never make her way back to them, at least once per week. “For millions of Americans, the fear that they might find themselves stuck at a table or booth as their waitress disappears into the kitchen forever, leaving them to helplessly grow hungrier and hungrier without their appetizers, can become completely overwhelming, leading to debilitating feelings of helplessness and negative changes in mood.” The poll determined that Americans’ second-most common fear was that their waitress would take their order, but then a shift change would occur without her ever conveying the information to the next server.

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