Illustration for article titled Poll: Majority Of Americans Ready To Give Up On U.S. If Someone Else Goes First

WASHINGTON—Willing to concede the country was a failure but reluctant to be all alone in saying so, a poll released Monday found that a majority of Americans were ready to give up on the U.S. if someone else goes first. “I’ve been on the fence about quitting on this nation for a while now, and if even one other person throws in the towel, that’ll be all the push I need,” said St. Louis resident Chris Lafferty, echoing the sentiments of hundreds of millions of Americans who were prepared to walk away from the nearly 250-year-old republic but would be more comfortable doing so if a single compatriot other than themselves “got things rolling.” “I can tell that everyone would turn their back on America in a heartbeat, but we’re all sitting around waiting for one of our countrymen to pull the trigger. I mean, I promise that if someone else abandons this failed experiment in democracy, I’ll be right behind them out the door.” At press time, the frustrated American populace was still waiting and could not believe what kind of pussies their fellow citizens were.

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