VATICAN CITY—Grasping the back of the man’s collar with one hand while pummeling his face with the other, Pope Francis reportedly beat a confession out of an uncooperative Catholic parishioner Thursday in a backroom of St. Peter’s Basilica. “Listen, buddy, I haven’t even gotten warmed up yet, so we can either keep doing this the hard way, or you can spit out some penance right now. So, what is it? Have you taken the Lord’s name in vain, borne false witness? Maybe a couple minutes being held facedown in the baptismal font would help you remember a sin or two,” said the Vicar of Christ, rolling up the sleeves of his vestments before grabbing a long, heavy papal mace and repeatedly smacking it into his open palm, causing the limp, bloodied man to finally admit to neglecting his familial duties and coveting others’ possessions. “There, was that so bad? Now say 10 Hail Marys and get out of my fucking sight.” The pope then reportedly gave the moaning man one more kick in the ribs as a reminder to come to next week’s Mass with something to confess.

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