VATICAN CITY—Saying he could no longer fulfill his duties as the leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis officially renounced the papacy Monday after admitting that he had fallen in love with a beautiful American divorcee. “I cannot effectively complete my obligations as the Supreme Pontiff while also pursuing a relationship with my exquisite, perfect Linda,” said the former Bishop of Rome, detailing his whirlwind romance with the 62-year-old CPA and recently divorced mother of three, whom he met while on a walking tour through the Piazza Navona. “Linda has given me the most spectacular two weeks I’ve ever experienced; we rode Vespas through the cobbled streets of Rome, shared gelato in the Campo de’ Fiori, and tossed coins into the Trevi Fountain. That’s why tomorrow, I will be moving into Linda’s condo in Des Moines to start a new life with her. I worship the ground she walks on, and I want to devote the rest of my days to loving Linda.” His ex-Holiness added that he was nervous about telling Linda that he’s still a virgin and hopes she would let him take things slow.

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