Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit:

Tuesday

  • 4:00 p.m.: Check in with God to let Him know he got there okay
  • 8:00 p.m.: Catch some Big Bang Theory while stretched out in bed of Bethesda, MD Econo Lodge

Wednesday

  • 10:30 a.m.: Following meeting with Obama, receive standard White House parting gift of $35 million in foreign military financing
  • 1:00 p.m.: Segway tour of National Mall

Thursday

  • 9:20 a.m.: Arrive at Capitol; revel in delight of meeting so many other people who also commune directly with God
  • 10:05 a.m.: Discover five minutes into congressional address that message of love and compassion not so universal
  • 10:30 a.m.: Propose 2016 fiscal year budget to members of House and Senate
  • 6:00 p.m.: Backstage meet-and-greet with KISS 107.9 Catholic Crush Sweepstakes VIP Ticket winners

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Friday

  • 8:40 a.m.: Get immediately tuned out by U.N. representatives from countries with highest income inequality
  • 2:30 p.m.: Sunny afternoon in Central Park feeding communion wafers to pigeons
  • 4:00 p.m.: Visit Our Lady Queen Of Angels School in Harlem for ceremonial slashing of sex education budget
  • 7:03 p.m.: Soundgarden fan in Madison Square Garden crowd to slowly come to realization he might have bought tickets for wrong night

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Saturday

  • 11:15 a.m.: Throw key to city of Philadelphia in hotel garbage can
  • 12:30 p.m.: Unbearable two-hour lunch with second cousin who lives in Philadelphia suburbs

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Sunday

  • 1:00 p.m.: Official ceremony to lift curse placed on Eagles by God in 1963
  • 8:00 p.m.: Take emotional last glimpse of U.S., having learned many lessons, met dozens of great new friends, and just really grown as a pope

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