VATICAN CITY—Expressing his frustration with ongoing tensions at work, Pope Francis admitted Tuesday that he had started worrying about his job security after repeatedly butting heads with the new God. “At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” said the pope, adding that the difficult new omnipotent deity had been “riding [his] ass nonstop” on everything from the divine revelation to the liturgical calendar. “I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing. Frankly, He’s kind of a dick. He’s tried to put His own stamp on the church by demanding big changes right off the bat. And guess who gets to communicate that to the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics? Me.” The pope added that while he was doing his best to get along with the new God, he had recently sent out his résumé to several other prominent faiths.

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