VATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s thick marble walls, Pope Francis reportedly spent most of Wednesday using spackle and a putty knife to patch up all the glory holes in St. Peter’s Basilica. “I knew there would be some in the confessionals, but what kind of sick pervert even thinks to put one in the Door of the Sacraments or the Altar of the Immaculate Conception?” said the 82-year-old pontiff, who, according to observers, arose at 5 a.m. to mud over the 3-inch-wide apertures he’d found throughout the Renaissance structure, including one punched straight into the Chair of St. Peter. “Seriously, I thought fixing up the rectory bathroom was going to be the worst of it, but then nine hours later, I find myself on my hands and knees down here in the grottoes still slapping plaster on these things. Some of them must be hundreds of years old. This one actually says, ‘Pope Gregory V was here.’ Guess I’m going to have to get some paint for that.” At press time, sources confirmed Pope Francis shrieked in terror when he went to plug a glory hole in the tomb of St. Ignatius of Antioch and heard something moan with pleasure on the other side.

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