Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State

Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State

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Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.

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Alabama

Alabama

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To make abortions impossible to perform, no men, women, or children are allowed to live in the state.

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Alaska

Alaska

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All Alaskans impregnated by polar bears will be forced to carry the human–polar bear hybrid to term.

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Arizona

Arizona

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After six weeks of pregnancy, women must crawl through the desert toward a far-off abortion clinic only to realize it is a mirage.

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Arkansas

Arkansas

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Fully funded abortions available for anyone a Clinton family member impregnates.

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California

California

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Somehow a homeless person is punished for every legal abortion.

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Colorado

Colorado

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All abortions come with complimentary IPA.

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Connecticut

Connecticut

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What kind of brute would speak of such unsavory matters in mixed company?

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Delaware

Delaware

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Who the fuck knows, man? Those Delaware freaks are weird.

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Florida

Florida

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Abortions must personally be signed off on by Jesus Christ.

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Georgia

Georgia

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Congratulations, you’re having a baby!

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Hawaii

Hawaii

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Abortion remains a legal method of making a sacrifice to the angry volcano god.

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Idaho

Idaho

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Abortion not legal when fetus the size of a russet potato, but perfectly fine at any point before or after that.

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Illinois

Illinois

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Everything’s legal in Illinois if you grease the right palm.

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Indiana

Indiana

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Unable to determine given that law is written in biblical Aramaic.

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Iowa

Iowa

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Abortion in Iowa remains legal after the Dobbs decision, providing the first significant reason anyone would ever want to live in Iowa.

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Kansas

Kansas

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After huge turnout to support abortion access on the ballot, the medical procedure remains legal if you can find a clinic.

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Kentucky

Kentucky

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Any woman spotted not pushing a stroller will be brought in for questioning.

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Louisiana

Louisiana

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Residents encouraged to construct a uterine levee in order to keep sperm out.

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Maine

Maine

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One-thousand-dollar prize for beating the current record for largest fetus ever terminated, which now stands at 44 pounds 6 ounces.

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Maryland

Maryland

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Those seeking an abortion must first undergo a sonogram to ensure that it wasn’t just a stone crab that got caught up there.

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Massachusetts

Massachusetts

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Before getting an abortion, pregnant women are encouraged by law to travel to Faneuil Hall and get an authentic chowder bread bowl. Then walk the Freedom Trail and visit the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum for an insight into the eccentric mind behind one of Boston’s foremost art collections. Finally, don’t forget to stroll through the Commons and take in the beautiful gardens in bloom.

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Michigan

Michigan

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Abortion providers must plot with an underground network of armed co-conspirators to kidnap the fetus from the uterus.

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Minnesota

Minnesota

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Legal to politely ask a fetus to vacate the uterus, a request it will happily oblige.

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Mississippi

Mississippi

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Abortion is strictly banned in Mississippi, and somehow, the state’s new abortion laws have brought back segregated schools.

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Missouri

Missouri

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A woman who receives an abortion is required to pay for her own funeral.

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Montana

Montana

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There is no abortion here. There are no births. There are no children. There are only the Elders, slowly growing branches, budding leaves from their fingertips, as they return to the earth from whence they came.

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Nebraska

Nebraska

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Abortion is legal until the 22nd week, which feels like fucking forever in Nebraska.

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Nevada

Nevada

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Doctors who perform the procedure are legally entitled to any quarters that also fall out.

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New Hampshire

New Hampshire

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It’s legal for the next 10 minutes, hurry!

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New Jersey

New Jersey

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Legislators have kept abortion legal due to the fact that it doesn’t matter whether people from New Jersey live or die.

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New Mexico

New Mexico

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Legal via alien probe.

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New York

New York

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Legal in order to make room in uterus for paying tenant.

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North Carolina

North Carolina

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Doctors must shake their heads and tut-tut while performing abortions.

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North Dakota

North Dakota

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Abortion is heavily restricted as a last-ditch effort to get residents to leave the state.

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Ohio

Ohio

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Abortion is illegal after a doctor can pretend to hear a heartbeat.

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Oklahoma

Oklahoma

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Abortions are legal, but the doctors are so obviously bad at their jobs that no one in their right mind would let one anywhere near their womb.

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Oregon

Oregon

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Legal and mandatory to cull the state’s out-of-control population of white people.

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Pennsylvania

Pennsylvania

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Fetus-hunting season only open October through December.

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Rhode Island

Rhode Island

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A woman has 48 hours after abortion to inform lover it’s been taken care of.

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South Carolina

South Carolina

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The fetus of any woman seeking an abortion after six weeks will be charged as an accomplice.

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South Dakota

South Dakota

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Abortion legal as long as the mother dies, too.

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Tennessee

Tennessee

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Abortion illegal, but law acknowledges that bachelorette parties get out-of-hand sometimes.

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Texas

Texas

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Due to trigger laws, the only way to obtain an abortion in Texas is to go a full minute on a mechanical bull.

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Utah

Utah

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N/A, bunch of virgins.

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Vermont

Vermont

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No laws on abortion codified given that neither Ben nor Jerry can get pregnant.

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Virginia

Virginia

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Abortion access is decided solely by the will of the swamp.

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Washington

Washington

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Amazon warehouse workers are allowed to miscarry on their lunch break.

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West Virginia

West Virginia

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Banned by state officials aching to have control over something, anything, on this fleeting mortal plane.

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Wisconsin

Wisconsin

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Take two shots of whiskey and let the cattle doctor do his thing.

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Wyoming

Wyoming

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State’s only abortion clinic buried 30 miles under the earth.

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