Following the Supreme Court’s landmark decision on June 24, 2022, to overturn Roe v. Wade, which affirmed a right to abortion at the federal level, The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how female reproductive rights are mangled, mutilated, and butchered at the state level.
Post-Roe Abortion Laws In Every State
Alabama
Alabama
To make abortions impossible to perform, no men, women, or children are allowed to live in the state.
Alaska
Alaska
All Alaskans impregnated by polar bears will be forced to carry the human–polar bear hybrid to term.
Arizona
Arizona
After six weeks of pregnancy, women must crawl through the desert toward a far-off abortion clinic only to realize it is a mirage.
Arkansas
Arkansas
Fully funded abortions available for anyone a Clinton family member impregnates.
California
California
Somehow a homeless person is punished for every legal abortion.
Colorado
Colorado
All abortions come with complimentary IPA.
Connecticut
Connecticut
What kind of brute would speak of such unsavory matters in mixed company?
Delaware
Delaware
Who the fuck knows, man? Those Delaware freaks are weird.
Florida
Florida
Abortions must personally be signed off on by Jesus Christ.
Georgia
Georgia
Congratulations, you’re having a baby!
Hawaii
Hawaii
Abortion remains a legal method of making a sacrifice to the angry volcano god.
Idaho
Idaho
Abortion not legal when fetus the size of a russet potato, but perfectly fine at any point before or after that.
Illinois
Illinois
Everything’s legal in Illinois if you grease the right palm.
Indiana
Indiana
Unable to determine given that law is written in biblical Aramaic.
Iowa
Iowa
Abortion in Iowa remains legal after the Dobbs decision, providing the first significant reason anyone would ever want to live in Iowa.
Kansas
Kansas
After huge turnout to support abortion access on the ballot, the medical procedure remains legal if you can find a clinic.
Kentucky
Kentucky
Any woman spotted not pushing a stroller will be brought in for questioning.
Louisiana
Louisiana
Residents encouraged to construct a uterine levee in order to keep sperm out.
Maine
Maine
One-thousand-dollar prize for beating the current record for largest fetus ever terminated, which now stands at 44 pounds 6 ounces.
Maryland
Maryland
Those seeking an abortion must first undergo a sonogram to ensure that it wasn’t just a stone crab that got caught up there.
Massachusetts
Massachusetts
Before getting an abortion, pregnant women are encouraged by law to travel to Faneuil Hall and get an authentic chowder bread bowl. Then walk the Freedom Trail and visit the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum for an insight into the eccentric mind behind one of Boston’s foremost art collections. Finally, don’t forget to stroll through the Commons and take in the beautiful gardens in bloom.
Michigan
Michigan
Abortion providers must plot with an underground network of armed co-conspirators to kidnap the fetus from the uterus.
Minnesota
Minnesota
Legal to politely ask a fetus to vacate the uterus, a request it will happily oblige.
Mississippi
Mississippi
Abortion is strictly banned in Mississippi, and somehow, the state’s new abortion laws have brought back segregated schools.
Missouri
Missouri
A woman who receives an abortion is required to pay for her own funeral.
Montana
Montana
There is no abortion here. There are no births. There are no children. There are only the Elders, slowly growing branches, budding leaves from their fingertips, as they return to the earth from whence they came.
Nebraska
Nebraska
Abortion is legal until the 22nd week, which feels like fucking forever in Nebraska.
Nevada
Nevada
Doctors who perform the procedure are legally entitled to any quarters that also fall out.
New Hampshire
New Hampshire
It’s legal for the next 10 minutes, hurry!
New Jersey
New Jersey
Legislators have kept abortion legal due to the fact that it doesn’t matter whether people from New Jersey live or die.
New Mexico
New Mexico
Legal via alien probe.
New York
New York
Legal in order to make room in uterus for paying tenant.
North Carolina
North Carolina
Doctors must shake their heads and tut-tut while performing abortions.
North Dakota
North Dakota
Abortion is heavily restricted as a last-ditch effort to get residents to leave the state.
Ohio
Ohio
Abortion is illegal after a doctor can pretend to hear a heartbeat.
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Abortions are legal, but the doctors are so obviously bad at their jobs that no one in their right mind would let one anywhere near their womb.
Oregon
Oregon
Legal and mandatory to cull the state’s out-of-control population of white people.
Pennsylvania
Pennsylvania
Fetus-hunting season only open October through December.
Rhode Island
Rhode Island
A woman has 48 hours after abortion to inform lover it’s been taken care of.
South Carolina
South Carolina
The fetus of any woman seeking an abortion after six weeks will be charged as an accomplice.
South Dakota
South Dakota
Abortion legal as long as the mother dies, too.
Tennessee
Tennessee
Abortion illegal, but law acknowledges that bachelorette parties get out-of-hand sometimes.
Texas
Texas
Due to trigger laws, the only way to obtain an abortion in Texas is to go a full minute on a mechanical bull.
Utah
Utah
N/A, bunch of virgins.
Vermont
Vermont
No laws on abortion codified given that neither Ben nor Jerry can get pregnant.
Virginia
Virginia
Abortion access is decided solely by the will of the swamp.
Washington
Washington
Amazon warehouse workers are allowed to miscarry on their lunch break.
West Virginia
West Virginia
Banned by state officials aching to have control over something, anything, on this fleeting mortal plane.
Wisconsin
Wisconsin
Take two shots of whiskey and let the cattle doctor do his thing.
Wyoming
Wyoming
State’s only abortion clinic buried 30 miles under the earth.