If elected president, Joe Biden can nominate up to 15 cabinet members to advise him on executive departments. The Onion looks at the most rumored choices for Biden’s inner circle.
Pete Buttigieg
With his military background, an obvious choice to be Biden’s Mayor of Defense
Eric Swalwell
Already demonstrated loyalty to Biden by running a terrible campaign against him for president
Hunter Biden
Last job fell through
Elizabeth Warren
In the running for several positions unless someone from the private sector is interested
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Michele Flournoy
There’s simply no Defense Secretary candidate with more experience bombing Libya
Eric Garcetti
While homelessness and inequality have soared during his tenure as mayor of Los Angeles, serving as Transportation Secretary would allow him to fail on a much grander scale
Jill Biden
Widely regarded by insiders to be the frontrunner for First Lady
John Kasich
The perfect vehicle for fulfilling Biden’s top priority of rejuvenating the Republican Party
Betsy DeVos
Look, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it
You
That’s right, one random citizen will be chosen to be Secretary of State, and it could be you!