Potential Candidates To Replace Elon Musk As Twitter CEO

Potential Candidates To Replace Elon Musk As Twitter CEO

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Elon Musk recently posted a poll asking if he should step down as Twitter’s CEO and vowed to abide by the results. With users voting for Musk to relinquish the role, The Onion examines potential candidates to replace him.

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Boss Baby

Boss Baby

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With his profound experience in the corporate space, this cartoon infant would finally bring some dignity to the role.

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An Enormous Holiday Ham

An Enormous Holiday Ham

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Elon Musk’s intermittent fasting has reportedly caused him to experience several hallucinations in which Twitter hires an oversized, steaming, delicious holiday ham to be its CEO.

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Every Member Of Twitter Blue All At Once

Every Member Of Twitter Blue All At Once

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Power would be shared between the 140,000 co-CEOs.

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Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg

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Musk might gain some credibility once people saw just how lame Twitter could truly get.

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A Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Joe Rogan

A Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Joe Rogan

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He’s hairy, husky, and shouting anti-vax conspiracy theories, but Elon Musk has no idea that he’s not actually Joe Rogan.

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The First User To Respond ‘First’ When Elon Musk Asks Who Wants It

The First User To Respond ‘First’ When Elon Musk Asks Who Wants It

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They’d probably be good as anyone.

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Sam Bankman-Fried

Sam Bankman-Fried

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Look, he’s learned a lot from his past mistakes.

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John D. Rockefeller

John D. Rockefeller

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He may be a bit rusty, but once he’s caught up on the internet, the oil tycoon will be back to violating antitrust laws and busting unions in no time.

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His Private Jet

His Private Jet

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The Gulfstream G650ER should have no problem taking over the reins, as it spends more time with him than anyone else.

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Sonic The Hedgehog

Sonic The Hedgehog

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After an enormous acid trip, Elon Musk announced he would use Neuralink labs to bring Sonic the Hedgehog to life and install him as the CEO of Twitter.

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National Socialist German Workers’ Party Circa 1944

National Socialist German Workers’ Party Circa 1944

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It’s time to take the social media site back to its roots.

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ZipRecruiter Applicant 924443

ZipRecruiter Applicant 924443

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They have a really nice cover letter. We’ll pass it on.

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Just Some Guy He Found On The Street

Just Some Guy He Found On The Street

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Yeah, that dope will do. Dress him up in a suit. Dust off his shoulder. Yeah, sure. Pay him $500 a month in cash. Draft up a nice NDA. Investors will buy that. Sure.

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Elon Musk 2.0

Elon Musk 2.0

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Then he could do the sink bit again.

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Big Mouth Billy Bass

Big Mouth Billy Bass

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This animatronic fish does it all. He sings, he dances, he brings people together. Exactly what a troubled Twitter needs right now.

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The Man Known Only As X

The Man Known Only As X

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Only this mysterious man—known solely by his bowler-hat-wearing silhouette and found lurking in the shadows of every major historical event since Christ’s crucifixion—has the experience controlling all of human affairs necessary to guide Twitter out of its rut.

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Half-Eaten Hoagie

Half-Eaten Hoagie

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The board has spoken.

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Henry Ford’s Skeleton

Henry Ford’s Skeleton

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Despite being dead for over 75 years, he’s might be the only American antisemitic enough to take over the reins of Twitter.

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A Monkey Of Some Sort

A Monkey Of Some Sort

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Yes, yes, it would be quite entertaining to have a mandrill or a yellow baboon in a business suit calling the shots at Twitter. Quite entertaining indeed…

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Jack Dorsey

Jack Dorsey

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That fucker started this mess, and he should end it.

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Mom

Mom

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Heck, why not. Now that the kids are a bit older, she’s looking to get back in the game. She’d at least do it part-time. Plus, she already knows how to use QuickBooks.

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FreeRayBan_Gr2

FreeRayBan_Gr2

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With its posts touting “free ray-ban deal legitimate click here for more bitly.xtwau.htm,” FreeRayBan_Gr2 represents the apotheosis of the Twitter brand and would be a fitting leader in the coming months.

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Alan Alda

Alan Alda

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We loved him in M*A*S*H, and we’re sure we’d love him at Twitter.

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oldmandancing.gif

oldmandancing.gif

With its sterling sense of rhythm and whimsical undulations, this animated picture of an old man dancing would keep up the tradition of what makes the company great while providing a refreshing change to users across the political spectrum.

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Big Mound Of Silt

Big Mound Of Silt

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A large pile of sediment, perhaps gathered from a nearby harbor in San Francisco, could signal a bold new direction for Twitter.

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