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Potential Outcomes For Russia’s Invasion Of Ukraine

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Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in late February began a series of brutal hostilities that have left hundreds of civilians dead and led to increased tensions, sanctions, and weapons deployments from allies on both sides. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.

  • U.N. escalates response from warnings to stern warnings.
  • Underfunded public school classroom with pre-1991 world map featuring USSR relevant again.
  • The Mets win the World Series.
  • Malcolm Gladwell becomes even more insufferable after Russia and Ukraine reach ceasefire upon 10,000th hour of negotiations.
  • U.S. deploys troops to maintain chaos.
  • Russia liberates Ukraine and sends its citizens to anti-Nazi work camps.
  • GOP leadership demands Biden administration take firmer stance on Russia, or weaker one, depending on how things shake out.
  • A lot of really bad speculative historical fiction.
  • Ukrainian resistance so successful it reverses invasion entirely and takes Moscow.
  • An annoying gray area between World Wars II and III.
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