Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on Wednesday, leading to a flurry of speculation over who President Joe Biden will nominate to replace him. The Onion looks at the leading potential replacements for Justice Breyer.
Anita Earls: Appointing a Black woman who will be constantly overruled by white people would make the court more representative of America.
Jimmy Carter: Putting the 97-year-old former president on the court would ensure it has a strong new liberal voice for weeks to come.
Ketanji Brown Jackson: The accomplished D.C. Circuit judge has everything Democrats could want for attorney general in 2027.
Amal Clooney: Licensed to practice law in the U.S. and the U.K., Clooney could bring an international point of view as well as some much-needed star power to the bench.
Jay Inslee: Sure, he’s not Black, and he’s not a woman, but apart from that, nominating him would be a perfect way to fulfill Biden’s pledge to put a Black woman on the Supreme Court.
Kamala Harris: Would give the current VP an avenue to become unpopular in a third branch of government.
Michelle Childs: For a court often considered too elite, Childs’ public school and non–Ivy League education could actually give her an advantage for the first time in her life.
Barry Bonds: We’ll be damned if Bonds is going to be overlooked for the Hall of Fame and the Supreme Court in the same month.
Ruth Bader Ginsberg: It’s not like she can die again.