The leak of a draft opinion by Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito to overturn the landmark Roe v. Wade case is giving rise to concerns that abortion could be banned in many U.S. states and is leading many Americans to wonder how the nation got to this point. The Onion looks at the major events and people that have shaped the political battle over the 1973 ruling.
1787: James Madison runs out of ink before getting to paragraph of Constitution about women being people.
1788: Constitution ratified, fully establishing all the rights and protections Americans could ever possibly need.
1973: Roe v. Wade robs millions of unborn children of right to life of abject poverty.
1976: Hyde Amendment bans Medicaid from paying for abortions, formally requiring nation’s boyfriends to pony up for at least half.
1987: Senate rejects Reagan’s ultraconservative and antichoice Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork in favor of moderate Anthony Kennedy, marking last known instance of Democrats standing their ground.
1990s: String of peaceful antiabortion protests in which doctors and clinic escorts died of unrelated causes.
1993: Planned Parenthood starts selling fetal tissue after realizing its more cost-effective than using it in satanic rituals.
2005: Bible updated to reflect Jesus’ fervent antichoice views.
2017: Democrats vow to continue fighting to ensure all women have the right to get that medical procedure, you know the one.
2022: Democrats left with no power to stop eradication of abortion rights aside from presidency, House, Senate, and majority popular approval of abortion.