Potential Solutions For Preventing A Wild Pandemic Spring Break

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After a weekend where massive crowds descended on the city to party, Miami Beach officials instituted a curfew, but expressed worries that they may need to take further measures to keep spring breakers from spreading Covid-19. The Onion offers some potential solutions for preventing a wild pandemic spring break.


Mandatory two-week quarantine period between body shots.

Enforce strict social-distancing measures with exception of clubs, beaches, and Tyler’s hotel room with a minibar.

Flag coronavirus misinformation coming from Twitter, Facebook, and Governor DeSantis.

Deter beachgoers with series of highly publicized shark attacks.

Wet mask contests.

Dampen mood by livestreaming The Assassination Of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story on all outdoor TVs.

Good old-fashioned profiling.

Not ideal, but another 9/11 would temporarily reduce air travel.

More educational resources on why going on spring break makes you the shit-eating scum of the earth.


Politely ask participants to tone it down a notch.