We have some terrifying news to share with you today—we just learned that the captain on our flight has never played Pilot Wings 64, and so, dear God, we’re going to storm the cockpit. Pray for us, gamers, because we don’t know how things are going to shake out at this point.
Obviously, rushing into the flight deck with some sort of improvised weapon is an extreme step, but we’re left with little choice after Captain Charles Kessler stated in no uncertain terms after we asked him in the flight line that he has never played the iconic flight simulator for the N64, and seemed at best only dimly aware of what it was. In fact, he just pushed past us like never having piloted an autogyro was no big deal.
Clearly, no one on this plane will be safe until we’ve dealt with this threat and taken the helm ourselves.
We’ll level with you, video-game aficionados—we’re fucking terrified right now. This was never what we signed up for when we joined the internet’s premiere gaming journalism site, but sometimes you’re thrown into a crisis, and that’s when you learn what you’re truly made of. All we know is we’re not about to leave this flight in control of a dangerous casual without even a passing understanding of Nintendo’s revolutionary 3D flight sim.
We hoped against hope that at least the co-pilot would have gotten in a few rounds of Pilot Wings 64 in the early ’90s so there would be someone with sanity in the cockpit, but the flight attendant told us repeatedly that he had never played the game either. We’ve even gone so far as to confirm that neither of them chose to forego Pilot Wings for the less esteemed but still enjoyable Aero Fighters Assault but no such luck. We’ve exhausted every option at this point, gamers. We’re psyching ourselves up for what has to be done, and we can only hope the penknife we’ve smuggled on with us can get the job done.
Well, this might be the last time you hear from us, because no matter what happens next, it’s not going to be pretty. Please, OGN readers, tell the world our story. Educate them on what we achieved here today. Let the people know that to our last breath we died defending gaming.