NEW YORK—Noting that “the kid” had some “serious chops” to have already done so much damage, executives confirmed Wednesday that a precocious new Goldman Sachs hire had destroyed 1,000 people’s livelihoods on his first day. “You know, I wasn’t sure about him when we first hired him, but based on the sheer amount of personal savings he immediately wiped out, I can tell he’s a real go-getter,” said Goldman Sachs manager Anthony Flavia, adding that the new hire had already proved he would have a long and successful career as a banker at the firm based on the number of risky, ill-advised investments he had made on behalf of its customers. “I’m not just saying this to be nice, but a few weeks out of college and he’s already losing other people’s money at a senior level. It took me months to lose that first $100 million. I don’t know how, but this whiz kid did it in a day!” Flavia told reporters he’d become even more impressed with the prodigy when, just a few days later, the new hire was publicly charged with embezzlement and arrested for fraud.
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