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Premium DraftKings Feature Lets User Select Players To Have Legs Broken By Goons

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BOSTON—Touting the offering as a path to even bigger winnings from daily fantasy football picks, sports gambling app DraftKings unveiled a new premium feature Wednesday that lets users select players who will have their legs broken by goons. “Gain an edge over the competition by picking a starting running back for our official DraftKings thugs to take care of in the locker room before the game, and then reap the benefits when his backup—whom you’ve smartly put money on—rises to a starting role,” said DraftKings CEO Jason Robins, demonstrating to reporters how the app could be used to select up to one quarterback, two running backs, two receivers, and a tight end who would then have their kneecaps smashed, ribs kicked in, or fingers broken by goons. “For a fee, DraftKings will dispatch men armed with lead pipes and burlap sacks filled with nickels to locker rooms of your choice and put certain players out of commission. All you have to do is put your money on the defense that will be suddenly be facing an offense fielding a team of second-stringers, or on the backup wide receiver who will suddenly be awarded starting snaps. Then you can beat out your competitors when your picks have an unexpectedly great game—unexpected to everyone but you, that is. We understand our users want to make bets they feel strongly about, and with our humble service, DraftKings will make your desired outcome, shall we say, a little more certain.” In related news, competitor sports gambling app FanDuel was reportedly working with the NFL on a bounty program that would let users select players to injure other players during games.