BOSTON—Sources confirmed Wednesday that the label affixed to a bottle of prescription medication recommends that users take three pills daily for optimal medical results or take 10 of them at once if they really want to fly. “Take one tablet with water every six hours or pop 10 of these babies in your mouth and blast the fuck off,” the bottle’s label reads in part, adding that the number is an estimate and that users should ultimately base their dosage on how much of a rocket ride they want. “Pregnant women and children younger than seven should not use this medication except under careful supervision of a doctor, but if the rest of you wash down 20 of them, you’re going to the other end of the cosmos and back. You will see the Truth, and you will become one with it.” The label also advises users not to drink alcohol while taking the medication unless they want to softly float around the room.
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