WASHINGTON—In order to ensure a uniform transition to the new administration, the Department of Interior on Thursday requested the immediate resignation of all Obama-era elk. “We are asking all elk appointed by President Obama, regardless of subspecies, to step down from their posts by no later than June 1,” said Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, adding that the dismissal of more than a million of the ungulate land mammals was not unlike restructurings carried out by past administrations that wished to staff the nation’s forests and mountain ranges with their own personnel. “We would like to thank the departing elk for the grazing they have provided, and we welcome their assistance as we transition to the new herds. We are, of course, excited to start working with our incoming elk, whose migration patterns and antler-shedding cycles are more compatible with the vision of the Trump White House.” At press time, many of the elk that had been fired had taken to the media to bugle in protest.
WASHINGTON—Saying he has come to dread the end of each day’s session, recently sworn-in U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch revealed to reporters Wednesday that he remains bashful about showering in front of his new colleagues.
Gorsuch, who reportedly changes clothes in the Supreme Court locker room by clutching a towel to his waist and attempting to shimmy his briefs down his legs, said he feels nervous removing his robes when his fellow justices are present and is accustomed to far more privacy than what the court’s communal showers provide.
“I wish there were stalls or even just a few curtains, because I’m really not comfortable stripping down around all these older justices that have been doing this forever,” said Gorsuch, who is typically the last of the court’s nine members to leave the bench and file into the locker room, where dirty, sweat-stained robes are casually removed and flung in the direction of a laundry cart. “I’ve been skipping the showers and just rubbing a little deodorant under my robes before going home, but that feels kind of gross. And waiting for everyone to leave doesn’t work because [Chief Justice John] Roberts takes super long showers and always stays late.”
“Maybe if I just run in and do a really quick rinse it won’t be that bad,” continued the 113th person to serve on the nation’s highest court.
Gorsuch confirmed that none of his colleagues seem to share his reservations about appearing naked before one another, noting that Justice Clarence Thomas doesn’t hesitate to tear off his perspiration-drenched robe and hop into one of the ice baths following a long day of legal deliberations. The newest and youngest member of the court added that he was especially caught off guard by 80-year-old Justice Anthony Kennedy’s tendency to wander from locker to locker in the nude as he animatedly recounts and breaks down each of the day’s key arguments.
According to Gorsuch, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is known to bring six-packs of Budweiser into the shower following a big victory in a landmark case, which he said is a type of behavior he never observed while on the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals back home in Colorado.
“There’s usually a lot of whooping and hollering after a verdict is handed down, and it can get a bit rowdy in there,” said Gorsuch, who was assigned a rusted metal locker that has reportedly remained dented since a frustrated Warren Burger slammed his fist into its door after dissenting in the 5-4 ruling of Furman v. Georgia back in 1972. “Last week Kennedy slingshot his dirty jockstrap into the face of one of the clerks passing out fresh robes, and Roberts hasn’t been able to get his gavel down from the ceiling since [Justice Elena] Kagan stuck it up there with athletic tape. People are always telling me how [Antonin] Scalia loved to sneak up on people changing and snap his towel on their asses, so I’m at least glad I wasn’t around for that.”
“Although yesterday, when [Justice] Sonia [Sotomayor] saw I was going to wear my old swim trunks in the shower, she dumped talcum powder all over my head and called me a ‘textualist little bitch,’” the 49-year-old jurist added.
Gorsuch went on to say that he is equally reluctant to lower his guard around Justice Samuel Alito, who is known to press his buttocks in the faces of unsuspecting court members when they’re sitting on the locker room’s bench and bending down to tie their shoes.
Reflecting on the poor hygienic habits of his colleagues, including the propensity of some to urinate while in the shower, the former appellate judge shared with reporters his fears of contracting a staph infection like the one that spread through the locker room and prematurely ended the 1999 session of the Rehnquist court.
“I realize this stuff comes with the territory, and eventually I’ll have to bite the bullet and hit the showers like everyone else,” said Gorsuch, who acknowledged he has already come to accept the open secret of the court’s widespread prescription painkiller abuse. “It’s not that I’m a prude or anything—I just feel a little self-conscious.”
“Especially after seeing [Justice Stephen] Breyer’s monster cock,” he added.
DAY 95: Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown
WASHINGTON—Saying his administration was fully prepared in the event Congress does not pass a new budget by the end of the week, President Trump promised Monday that all essential Mar-a-Lago staff will continue to be funded during a government shutdown. “Even if Congress can’t get a budget done, the American people can rest assured that all vital cabana and golf course employees will continue to perform their duties uninterrupted,” said Trump, explaining that temporary appropriations bills would exempt crucial waiters, chefs, drivers, and housekeeping staff from any action that will close entire agencies and prevent thousands of federal employees from reporting to work. “Until a new budget gets passed, however, we will have no choice but to put all Mar-a-Lago pool boys and lifeguards on furlough and institute a hiring freeze across all landscaping departments. But while any shutdown can’t help but have some negative impact—the kitchen could run out of some appetizers, and guests’ bags might take longer to get up to their rooms—I want to assure all Americans that the core amenities of Mar-a-Lago will remain intact for the duration.” Trump went on to say, however, that if Mar-a-Lago were forced to reduce the hours its tennis courts were open, outraged citizens should blame the Democrats.
DAY 94: Oklahoma State Penitentiary Unveils New In-Chamber Entertainment System To Keep Inmates Occupied During Lethal Injections
MCALESTER, OK—Touting the extensive library of programming available to be streamed while waiting for an untested cocktail of chemicals to induce cardiac arrest, officials from Oklahoma State Penitentiary unveiled a new in-chamber entertainment system Thursday aimed at keeping inmates occupied throughout their lethal injections. “As soon as they’re strapped onto the table and medical personnel begin an extended search for a usable vein, our death row inmates will be able to use the system control pad to navigate a wide menu of television programs and feature films available for immediate viewing,” said penitentiary spokesman John Clark, explaining that the new system is fully equipped with a 42-inch 4K screen, Dolby surround sound speakers, and access to streaming services such as Netflix and HBO Go to provide those awaiting their deaths with the ability to queue up as many movies, shows, documentaries, comedy specials, and concerts as they want while experimental volumes of various unproven compounds circulate through their bodies. “Now prisoners can catch up on the latest episodes of Girls or binge a whole season of Narcos while their execution proceeds. With our exciting new entertainment offerings, the time between when the drugs are administered and when the on-site physician confirms that a heartbeat has finally ceased completely will fly right by.” Clark added that the advanced entertainment system would also make individualized TV and movie recommendations based on users’ viewing histories in the likely event they finish watching the selections in their queue before the execution is complete.
WASHINGTON—Saying that he was really worried about her and only wanted to help, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly had a long heart-to-heart conversation Friday with a staffer who came to work with coffee on her breath. “Look, I know you’re trying to hide it, but I can smell it—you’ve been drinking coffee, haven’t you?” said Pence, who had confronted aide Dana O’Brien with the allegation after summoning her to his office, gently closing the door, and assuring her that she was not in any trouble whatsoever. “I just want you to get the help you need, and if that means taking some time off work to get clean, you have my full support. And listen, I know I’m your boss, but if you want to talk to someone about your problems, you can always knock on my door.” At press time, Pence was kindly reminding another employee whom he caught drinking a ginger ale for the third time in a week that he has a wife and children who love him very much.
DAY 92: Berkeley Campus On Lockdown After Loose Pages From ‘Wall Street Journal’ Found On Park Bench
BERKELEY, CA—Advising students to remain in their dormitories and classrooms until the situation was resolved, the University of California, Berkeley declared a campuswide lockdown Thursday after several loose pages from The Wall Street Journal were found on a park bench outside a school building. “At 11:15 this morning, several pages from two separate sections of today’s Wall Street Journal were discovered spread across a bench outside of Eshleman Hall in Lower Sproul Plaza,” read the urgent alert sent to all students and faculty, emphasizing that while campus security and local police had safely disposed of the pages, there was no way of knowing if others were strewn elsewhere on university grounds. “As of now, the perpetrator remains at large, so it is vital that you stay where you are until the all-clear is given. In the meantime, notify police immediately if you have any additional information at all regarding this incident.” At press time, a black-clad group of 50 students were throwing bottles at the bench while chanting, “No Nazis, No KKK, No Fascist U.S.A!”
NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel. “God, I have so many great memories from this place,” said the longtime host of The O’Reilly Factor as he stared down at the 8-by-10 glossy print showing a woman’s exposed underwear taken from underneath a news desk, before wrapping it in tissue paper and placing it gently in a cardboard box alongside a smaller three-panel frame containing photos of various women’s bare thighs. “I worked with some truly amazing people who showed me some incredible things over the years. I’m really going to miss everything I got to do at this place—it was always such a good time. It’s hard to let go.” At press time, O’Reilly was seen wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye and popping a small down-blouse photo of a woman’s cleavage out of its frame and placing it carefully in his wallet.
NEW YORK—Saying she liked to believe she’d be given some kind of warning, Melania Trump idly wondered Wednesday whether she would get a heads-up if a nuclear missile were headed toward New York. “You’d think I’d receive a phone call with some sort of instructions if they knew a nuclear warhead was on its way,” said the first lady, despite being unable to recall her husband or any officials ever mentioning the existence of an alert system or notification protocol. “Maybe they have a secret shelter somewhere, and they’ll just show up suddenly to evacuate me and Barron. If they knew I was in the direct path of a nuclear weapon, surely they’d at least contact me so I could emotionally prepare, right? If absolutely nothing else, Donald would call to say goodbye and tell me he loved me, wouldn’t he? I mean, wouldn’t he?” After pondering the scenarios for a few minutes, Melania decided that, on second thought, it was probably better if she didn’t know.
WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
The daylong excursion, during which father and son could be seen wearing matching khaki fatigues and safari hats, was reportedly an opportunity for Trump Jr. to introduce the young boy to hunting by showing him how to track a wild animal through a zoo exhibit, set up the perfect shot just outside a fenced enclosure, and, if possible, hit the target right between the eyes as it lies sleeping.
“That’s it, D.J.—steady the barrel along the edge of the guardrail, just like that,” Trump Jr. whispered, appearing to swell with pride as Donald John III crouched near an ice cream stand in the zoo’s Cheetah Conservation Station and took aim at a cub playing inside a small enclosure 10 feet below. “Be very quiet or you’ll spook him. Now, whenever you’re ready, just exhale slowly and squeeze the trigger.”
“Great shot, son!” Trump Jr. continued as three valets from the hunting party set down the Trumps’ gear and entered the cheetah habitat to field-dress the carcass. “Let’s keep this spot until the zookeeper comes to feed them. When that happens, they’ll all move out into the open and we’ll be able to get a few more.”
According to sources, Trump Jr. and his son crept quietly along the paved footpaths—staying low and occasionally ducking behind an information kiosk—in the hopes of remaining undetected as they approached their next targets, Wilma and Zora, the two American bison housed by the zoo. Both animals were reportedly lapping water from a trough and caught unaware, allowing the father-son duo to take each of them out with three quick shots to the head, use a bowie knife to cut off the horns for souvenirs, and then continue on their way to the picnic pavilion for hot dogs and sodas.
Arriving at the zoo’s bird sanctuary, the Trumps are said to have switched from big-game rifles to scatterguns, bringing down a dozen flamingos, five whooping cranes, and a pair of North Island brown kiwi as zoo employees and families in the nearby gift shop screamed and ran for cover.
“The key to hunting is biding your time, D.J.—wait until those sea lions are trapped between the tank wall and your line of fire so you can get a clear shot at them before they swim away,” said Trump Jr., peering through the scope of his rifle at the aquatic mammals sunning themselves on a concrete embankment. “Later, when we go inside the Great Ape House, you’re going to be tempted to take a shot right away, but you have to be patient.”
“Eventually an orangutan will come down from its tire swing to grab a piece of fruit,” he added. “When that happens—bam, you nail him!”
Reports confirmed the highlight of the expedition came when Trump Jr. took down the zoo’s giant panda Tian Tian with just two shots, the first bullet shattering the Plexiglas barrier and the second hitting the animal directly in the heart. The Trumps reportedly took the opportunity to pose with their prized trophy, each triumphantly placing a foot on the blood-drenched panda as a hired photographer captured the moment.
The jubilant father and son reportedly ended their day by honing their marksmanship at the Small Mammal House, picking off mongooses one by one as they poked their heads out of their burrows.
“D.J., I was very proud of you out there today,” a misty-eyed Trump Jr. said as he tousled his son’s hair and tenderly wiped a smear of giant anteater blood from the boy’s cheek. “Maybe someday, when you have a son of your own, you’ll take him to the zoo and kill something really great like a white rhino, or, who knows, maybe you’ll take him to an aquarium and bag a dolphin. Even I haven’t done that.”
At press time, having deemed a gazelle carcass too small to make a good wall mount, the Trumps had abandoned the dead animal near a lemonade cart to rot in the sun.
DAY 88: Cackling Trump Reveals To Dinner Guests They’ve All Just Eaten Single Piece Of His Tax Returns
WASHINGTON—A satisfied smirk spreading across his face as he watched them finish their meals, a cackling Donald Trump reportedly revealed to dinner guests Tuesday that each and every one of them had just eaten a single piece of his tax returns. “Now that you’re done dining, let me ask: Did you notice anything, shall we say, interesting about your entrées?” said the president, who caused those seated in the State Dining Room to look down at their now empty plates in revulsion as he gleefully revealed that he had diced up over 20 years of pages from his federal and New York State tax filings and sprinkled them into each of the meal’s seven lavish courses. “Dr. Bornstein, you seemed to enjoy your duck roulades. And my good professor, that crab risotto certainly agreed with you. Well, would it surprise you to learn that the dishes you’ve all just partaken of contain morsels of my 1099-Bs from 1995 to 2015? Quite delicious, weren’t they? Please, please don’t be shy about asking for seconds.” At press time, as the disgusted guests stood up from the table and hastily exited, a giddy Trump called out to remind them that they hadn’t even had dessert yet.
WASHINGTON—Rejecting calls for increased transparency by government watchdog groups, officials from the Trump administration announced Monday that they would not disclose the names of White House Diamond Elite members. “Due to the potential security risks associated with publicizing the identities of those enrolled in our most premier program, we will continue to keep their names confidential, a policy that will also apply to those at Diamond Plus, Diamond, Gold, and Silver levels,” said White House Communications Director Mike Dubke, reaffirming the administration’s commitment to the privacy concerns of program participants who enjoy a variety of exclusive premium benefits at the White House. “We will also not release the dates or times of their stays nor disclose any of the Elite Select locations they visited, as we are under no legal obligation to do so.” Pressed for further comment, Dubke encouraged journalists to contact a representative to discuss the many rewards of White House membership.
The Washington Post reports that immigrant arrests have climbed 32.6 percent under the Trump administration, and arrests of undocumented immigrants with no criminal record have more than doubled. What do you think?
DAY 84: ‘There Are No Good Options In Syria,’ Sighs Man Who Has Devoted 12 Minutes Of Research To Topic
SAGINAW, MI—Shaking his head at the tragic futility of it all, local man Daniel Roth sighed “there are no good options in Syria” Thursday after devoting 12 minutes of casual research to the topic. “It’s just so heartbreaking, but what’s worse is that there doesn’t seem to be any real solution,” said Roth, who skimmed seven paragraphs of a Washington Post editorial on the subject and watched a short Vox explainer video on the various participants in the conflict before clicking over to the teaser trailer for Thor: Ragnarok. “There’s certainly no silver bullet, and there might not even be a workable way out at all. With so many confounding variables at play, I can’t even imagine a decent path forward unless something completely unexpected happens.” Roth admitted, however, that he was not an expert on Syria and hoped his friend who recently read a 6,000-word essay in Harper’s might have some more encouraging insight.
DAY 83: Sean Spicer Given Own Press Secretary To Answer Media's Questions About His Controversial Statements
WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure their messaging is being communicated to the public in a clear and transparent manner, the White House Press Office announced Wednesday that Sean Spicer has been given his own press secretary to answer the media’s questions about his controversial statements. “The remarks from the press secretary are being taken out of context, which is unfortunate, given the fact that he is in actuality trying to make very much the opposite point,” said Press Secretary to the White House Press Secretary Kevin Harrigan in his first briefing following his appointment to the role, whose primary duties include conducting supplementary press conferences after Spicer’s daily briefings in order to clarify and explain his comments. “If you actually look at the evidence from all sides—the substance, if not the entire whole, is solid, which is what he was trying to articulate all along. And that remains true even if the media is trying to nitpick his words and promote their own message. I understand the point, but it’s clear what he was trying to say with the aforementioned statements—even the parts he was referring to—and, um, I’m sorry, you can’t just pretend otherwise.” At press time, a contrite Harrigan was appearing on multiple morning talk shows to apologize for suggesting that if Syrian president Bashar al-Assad had a nuclear weapon, he might be the first to ever use one.
WASHINGTON—Presiding over the dimly lit chamber during the small hours of the morning, newly sworn-in justice Neil Gorsuch was reportedly forced Tuesday to work the Supreme Court overnight shift. “It’s pretty boring, and it sucks that it’s so late, but [Justice] Anthony [Kennedy] told me that doing the graveyard shift is just a rite of passage rookies like me have gone through since pretty much the beginning of the judicial branch,” said Gorsuch, adding that so far things had been fairly uneventful except for a few “kind of weird” interstate commerce cases. “There’s honestly not that much to do besides just keeping an eye on the place and dealing with whoever straggles in at 2 a.m. to file an amicus brief. Luckily, you can pretty much just read a book most of the time, and I’ve got a little portable radio to keep me company when things are really dead. Still, I’m hoping this is just for a few months before they transfer me to a normal shift.” At press time, Gorsuch was reportedly attempting to rouse a heavily intoxicated assistant solicitor general who had passed out in the back of the courtroom.
DAY 81: Trump Assures Nation That Decision For Syrian Airstrikes Came After Carefully Considering All His Passing Whims
WASHINGTON—Amid concerns that a U.S. attack on a Syrian government air base would only escalate the ongoing conflict in the region, President Trump assured Americans Friday that his decision to order a missile strike came only after carefully considering every one of his passing whims. “I want to make it perfectly clear that the decision to launch a military intervention in Syria was the result of meticulously reviewing each fleeting impulse that I felt over the last 48 hours,” said Trump, adding that after learning of chemical weapons used by Bashar al-Assad’s forces to kill innocent Syrian civilians, he gathered his top military aides to pore over dozens of his sudden knee-jerk reactions to the situation. “I examined many different options that whirled through my mind in the moment, including authorizing drone strikes, deploying U.S. troops to Syria, sending in SEAL Team Six to take out Assad, getting up and grabbing a snack from the kitchen, doing nothing, and dropping all our nuclear bombs on Damascus at once. Ultimately, I concluded that an airstrike was the best option at that particular second.” Trump went on to say that if the Assad regime’s behavior continues, he will not hesitate to order further military action if he hasn’t already completely forgotten about Syria by then.
DAMASCUS—Angrily declaring that the attack would not go unpunished, Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad vowed swift retaliation on his nation’s civilians Friday for the U.S. missile strike on the al-Shayrat air base. “In response to the egregious aggression of the United States, I promise to stop at nothing to crush the Syrian people quickly and decisively,” said Assad, announcing a full-scale military assault on noncombatants in residential neighborhoods throughout Syria that would make the U.S. “sorely regret its unprovoked and criminal deeds.” “This act of war on the part of the United States leaves us no choice but to strike Syrian hospitals, schools, and places of worship with even more force and resolve. Mark my words: the streets of Syria will run red with the blood of civilian men, women, and children, and America will know the price to be paid for its belligerence.” At press time, Russian officials had decried the U.S. missile strike and said they had not ruled out supporting their ally in any counterattack against Syrian civilians.
WASHINGTON—After ordering the first U.S. military attack against the regime of Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad, President Donald Trump held a press conference Friday to express his full confidence that the airstrike had completely wiped out the lingering Russian scandal. “Based on intelligence we have received over the past several hours, the attack on the al-Shayrat air base in Homs has successfully eliminated all discussions and allegations about my administration’s ties to the Russian government,” said Trump, adding that at approximately 4:40 a.m. local time, 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles fired from U.S. naval ships obliterated all traces of the widespread controversy in news outlets across the media. “Ordering this strike was not a decision I took lightly, but given that it was the only way to decisively eradicate any attention being paid to congressional investigations into possible collusion between key members of my staff and high-ranking Kremlin officials, I decided it was a necessary course of action. If we learn that any remnants of this scandal remain after this attack, I will not hesitate to order further strikes.” Trump went on to say that he is leaving the option open for a potential ground invasion of Syria if any troubling evidence emerges that the Russian government manipulated the outcome of the 2016 presidential election.
A judge has agreed that there is “sufficient evidence” in a lawsuit three injured protesters are bringing against President Trump for inciting and encouraging violence against them at a Kentucky rally. What do you think?
DAY 76: Bashar Al-Assad Shares Laugh With Military Leaders Over Time He Once Wanted To Be A Doctor And Help People
DAMASCUS—During a meeting to review the body counts from his latest initiatives to retake rebel-held regions of the country, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad shared an extended laugh with his top military leaders on Thursday over the time in his life when he wanted to be a doctor and help people. “Oh man, can you even believe there was a period when I actually wanted to heal people, to help end their suffering?” said Assad, pausing the discussion of chemical weapons deployments to recall his youthful dream of providing lifesaving medical assistance to the sick and injured between gasps of laughter. “And it’s not like it was just a brief phase or something. I spent over a decade training. I even went to London for postgraduate study. God, there was even a point where I seriously considered working to help children. That’s so crazy.” After more than a minute spent clutching his abdomen in boisterous laughter, a beaming Assad reportedly emitted a few final chuckles, wiped away a tear of glee from the corner of his eye, and authorized sarin gas attacks on several villages outside the city of Hama.
A judge has granted Kentucky’s only remaining abortion clinic a temporary 14-day restraining order against Governor Matt Bevin, who is attempting to shutter the facility. What do you think?
With President Trump set to dismantle much of his predecessor’s climate change legislation, many are wondering what the impacts of climate change will be and which sources to believe. The Onion separates fact from fiction on the issue of global warming:
- MYTH: Humans have only a negligible overall impact on climate change
- FACT: That’s every other variety of plant and animal on earth combined that you’re thinking of
- MYTH: Oil companies intentionally obscure climatological research in order to grow their profits
- FACT: Big Oil has never had to try all that hard to make the public ignore climate change research
- MYTH: By the year 2099, sea levels could rise between 7-20 inches
- FACT: You’re never going to get people worried when you put it like that
- MYTH: Rising global temperatures mean that thousands of species are going extinct
- FACT: Sure, but it’s mostly just bugs
- MYTH: The full impact of these changes won’t be apparent until your grandchildren are grown
- FACT: You’re never going to meet anyone, let alone have kids, if you don’t start taking care of yourself
- MYTH: The effects of climate change will negatively impact everyone on earth
- FACT: The killjoys who predicted this for decades will have the advantage of looking super smart
- MYTH: There is nothing mankind can do to prevent climate change
- FACT: There is nothing mankind will do to prevent climate change
In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
- MYTH: Donald Trump wants to personally see to it that all Muslims are barred from coming into the United States
- FACT: This desire is the collective will of the millions of Americans who voted for him based on this promise
- MYTH: Americans should be afraid of Muslims
- FACT: Americans should be afraid of golden poison dart frogs
- MYTH: The word “jihad,” though misunderstood in the West, means an “internal struggle” in pursuit of a goal
- FACT: The word “jihad” means that the news article will require a moderated comments section
- MYTH: The Catholic Reformation would likely not even have occurred without the Ottoman protection of Martin Luther
- FACT: You’re upsetting your mother. Just drop it.
- MYTH: “Islam” refers to the religion itself, and “Muslim” is the term for a follower of that religion
- FACT: The terms are interchangeable when screamed outside a courthouse in a cloud of red-faced anger
- MYTH: The Quran is 90 percent bomb schematics
- FACT: Rush Limbaugh walked back that statement somewhat in a later segment
- MYTH: Islam explicitly condones violence and aggression
- FACT: Like all other major religions, Islam offers a hopeful message promptly corrupted by a reliable handful of assholes
- MYTH: Muslims hate America
- FACT: Many Muslims, both immigrants and citizens, love and embrace life in this country, somehow
WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns about the propriety of being left alone with a syrup container of the opposite sex, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly asked his waiter Thursday to remove Mrs. Butterworth from the table until his wife arrived to join him at a local diner. “Excuse me, sir, would you please take this out of my line of sight until my wife gets here?” said Pence, who reportedly attempted to put the table’s sugar dispenser and salt and pepper shakers between him and the feminine syrup bottle before deciding that even having Mrs. Butterworth within arm’s reach could lead him to have impure thoughts. “It just would not be right for me to sit here alone with a woman-shaped container, particularly one as shapely as this. In fact, I would advise you to do the same for the man sitting over there—I see he is sitting very close to Mrs. Butterworth even though he appears to be wearing a wedding ring.” At press time, Pence had asked the waiter to pour syrup on his pancakes for him, as it would be unseemly to handle the curves of the plastic woman in such a public place.
DAY 69: Trump Unveils Sprawling New Presidential Retreat Where He Can Escape From Stresses Of Mar-A-Lago
ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—Speaking Wednesday from the grounds of the lavish tropical estate where he plans to spend much of his downtime while in office, Donald Trump unveiled a new presidential retreat he hopes will allow him to escape from the grueling pace of life at Mar-a-Lago.
With its sunny climate, secluded setting, and luxurious accommodations, the 45-acre Caribbean hideaway known as Isola Vista—which sits on a pristine white-sand beach along the island of St. Thomas’ southern coast—will reportedly serve as a haven where the president can find respite from his five-star Palm Beach, FL resort and its many day-to-day pressures.
“After a while, all that time spent at Mar-a-Lago starts to take a toll,” Trump said of the relentless routine of recreation and extravagance he experiences at his oceanfront Florida club. “I’m there so much that sometimes I just need to get away and clear my head. Here in St. Thomas I’ll have a place where I can simply relax and, for a little while at least, forget about all those headaches I left behind in Palm Beach.”
Added the president, “A few days in the Caribbean should be all I need to feel refreshed and ready to get right back to the usual grind of Mar-a-Lago.”
According to sources, considerable efforts have been made at Isola Vista to create a tranquil retreat far removed from the rigorous schedule of golf, fine dining, and spa treatments the commander-in-chief faces every single day he is in Florida.
His stressful days at Mar-a-Lago reportedly begin at 6 a.m. with a breakfast prepared by a Michelin-starred chef, followed by an early tee time at the award-winning Trump International Golf Club. By the time the last wearying soiree at his private club finally winds down, the president is often completely exhausted, aides say, prompting his decision to decamp to Isola Vista for some much-needed rest and leisure.
“It’ll be great to fly down here from Mar-a-Lago and have a little me time,” said Trump, describing how the new retreat will finally let him enjoy some peace and quiet away from his exclusive members-only Florida resort. “The amount of unwinding I’ve done in Palm Beach lately has left me completely drained. Hopefully Isola Vista will allow me to recharge anytime I overdo it at Mar-a-Lago and start to feel run down.”
Following his first visit to Isola Vista, presidential advisers confirmed Trump’s time away appeared to have had a positive effect on his mood and energy level.
“The new retreat seems to have worked wonders on the president,” Trump aide Jessica Ditto told reporters. “When he returned to Mar-a-Lago, he was eager to dive right back into his packed daily schedule immediately and couldn’t wait to get started on the day’s first hot-stone massage.”
WASHINGTON—Admitting there was simply too much on his plate right now to bring stability to the fractious region by end of day Friday, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner quietly moved the task “solve Middle East crisis” to his to-do list for next week, sources reported Tuesday. “Ushering in lasting peace across the Mideast is definitely still a big priority for me, but given everything else I’ve got going on right now, I’m just going to need to bump it to next week when I have a little more time on my hands,” Kushner reportedly said as he crossed out the task on his pocket day planner and rewrote it on the following page, acknowledging that he was just “too swamped” at the moment with policy reports and real estate development meetings to resolve the numerous wars, land disputes, and centuries-old ethnic and religious tensions that have long raged among the 350 million residents of the geopolitical hotspot. “I was really hoping to at least knock out the Arab-Israeli conflict before the weekend, but this week’s kind of gotten out of hand. It’ll be fine, though—I’ll just carve out an hour or two next week, hunker down in my office, and sort it all out then. If I can push back a couple business calls, I can definitely get this whole Middle East situation ironed out by Wednesday—Thursday at the latest.” At press time, Kushner reportedly pushed “solve Middle East crisis” back an additional 30 minutes after deciding it would be better to get “fix America’s opioid epidemic” out of the way first.
WASHINGTON—Telling Americans this was the kind of leadership and accountability they could expect from the GOP, congressional Republicans held a press conference Monday to celebrate making good on their 2009 promise to block the president’s healthcare bill. “Eight years ago, our party made a solemn pledge to do everything in our power to ensure that a healthcare bill put forth by the president of the United States did not become law, and through our actions last week, that is exactly what we have done,” said Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who declared that Republican leaders had never forgotten the vow they made almost a decade ago and noted that, when presented earlier this month with a comprehensive healthcare reform plan championed by the White House, they quickly stopped it in its tracks and refused to relent until it was dead. “True to our word, we successfully prevented the executive branch from pushing through a sweeping bill that would have completely remade the U.S. healthcare system. When we said in 2009 that we would not let the president enact a plan that would affect tens of millions of Americans, that was not just empty rhetoric, and on Friday, we stood up and put an end to the president’s bill for good. Voters will not forget our resolute action.” McCarthy went on to add that throughout the remainder of this term, the American people could count on their Republican representatives to uphold the vows they made repeatedly between 2008 and 2016 to obstruct the president’s agenda at every turn.
DAY 66: Mar-A-Lago Assistant Manager Wondering If Anyone Coming To Collect Nuclear Briefcase From Lost And Found
PALM BEACH, FL—Noting that it had already been there for almost two weeks, Mar-a-Lago assistant manager Chris Mahoney reportedly wondered Monday if anyone was coming to collect the nuclear briefcase from the club’s lost-and-found. “Someone noticed it in the dining room and dropped it off, and it’s just been sitting at the bottom of the bin ever since,” said Mahoney, adding that he had been asking people coming to collect their lost scarves and sunglasses if they might also have misplaced a briefcase attached to a pair of handcuffs. “You’d think whoever it belongs to would have realized that they lost it by now. Well, I’ll give it a few more weeks—if no one claims it after 60 days, it’s up for grabs, and I can see if someone on my staff wants it.” At press time, a man had mistakenly claimed the briefcase as his own before getting home to discover all the unfamiliar buttons inside.
DAY 65: ‘Could’ve Been Me,’ Grumbles Merrick Garland Watching Gorsuch Hearings At Bar With Fellow Highway Maintenance Workers
HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers. “I’m supposed to be sitting up there before the Judiciary Committee, you know,” said a visibly frustrated Garland, taking a swig of beer and complaining to the members of his road crew that if he hadn’t gotten “royally screwed” he would be on CSPAN-2 testifying right now. “It’s all a bunch of political bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I like working with you guys out there, but I had that nomination dead to rights, and they snatched it away from me. Well, guess it’s time to get back to work—those dotted white lines aren’t gonna paint themselves.” At press time, Garland was scooping out debris blocking a drainage basin on an I-695 median.
DAY 64: FBI Calls For Increased Surveillance Powers To Keep Pace With Evolving Threat Of Presidential Administrations
WASHINGTON—Saying the issue was an urgent matter of national security, FBI director James Comey said at a press conference Tuesday that the agency required increased surveillance powers in order to keep pace with the continually evolving threat of presidential administrations. “Even with the vast tools we currently have, the FBI simply cannot keep up with the growing dangers posed by presidents, their cabinets, and other staffers,” said Comey, who called for a significant expansion of the agency’s investigative capabilities, including investing in state-of-the-art surveillance technology and hiring many more field agents to offset each new threat from an administration as it emerged. “Of course, keeping the country safe from presidencies is not solely within the purview of one agency, and we welcome the cooperation of the NSA, the Department of Homeland Security, and the CIA, as well as state and local law enforcement, in our investigations.” Comey cautioned, however, that even if the FBI had vastly expanded powers, it was still only a matter of time before a presidential administration horrifically attacked America once again.
WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime. “I am your new Attorney General, and it is my sworn duty to put an end to the savage lawlessness in this country, so here’s how it’s gonna be,” said Sessions, who slowly paced the walkway of Cell Block C, rhythmically slapping his truncheon into his open palm. “What’s been tried has failed, so from now on, we do it my way. We’re gonna have ourselves longer, harsher sentences, and make no mistake, I do not just mean for adults. You had all best get ready, ’cause you’re gonna have some company in those cells real soon, and they’ll be staying for a mighty, mighty long time.” At press time, an inmate who had interjected that overall violent crime rates were at historic lows was thrown into solitary confinement “from now until Judgment Day” for talking back.
DAY 62: Aides Wrestle Drill From Trump’s Hands As He Tries To Remove Obama Listening Device From Skull
WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull. “Obama implanted a microphone inside my head to record everything I say!” Trump reportedly shouted shortly before three White House staffers pinned him to the floor and pried apart his fingers to seize the power tool. “You don’t understand, he can hear everything we’re saying! Obama can even hear my thoughts! I have to get it out! I can feel it! I can feel it! I can feel it!” At press time, staffers were panicking after Trump locked himself in the bathroom and began cutting his stomach open with a razor blade in an attempt to find the tracking chip he said The New York Times had put in his food.
DAY 61: Trump Says Wasteful NEA Hasn’t Produced Single Valuable Work Since Claes Oldenburg’s ‘Clothespin’
WASHINGTON—Defending his proposed elimination of the federally funded agency, President Donald Trump told reporters Thursday that the wasteful National Endowment for the Arts hasn’t even produced a single valuable work since Claes Oldenburg’s Giant Three-Way Plug. “We have not seen one single NEA-backed project come close to justifying its cost since the Swedish-American sculptor debuted his Pop Art masterpiece in 1970, challenging the way we grapple with questions of industrialization and decay,” said Trump, adding that taxpayer dollars shouldn’t support an organization whose body of work includes such underwhelming artistic efforts as the Joffrey Ballet’s The Rite Of Spring and the entirety of the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival. “Sure, William Bolcom’s Songs Of Innocence And Of Experience moved me at times, but for every Pulitzer Prize–winning composer the NEA supports, it also funds 20 more derivative jazz quartets. Enough is enough.” Trump went on to say that PBS’s Evening At Pops, which ended in 2005, was the network’s last example of worthwhile programming.
DAY 60: Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule
SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days every month for reviewing and striking down whatever unconstitutional executive order President Trump has most recently issued,” said Robart, adding that having his carefully planned agenda repeatedly interrupted by responding to new illegitimate directives from the president would cause him to fall behind on his other work. “Analyzing an executive action, researching how it violates the Constitution and other established legal precedents, and issuing a ruling that stops the order from going into effect takes up a lot of time, so I’m making the process easier on myself. After all, I might be doing this for years.” Robart went on to say that he was also planning to save valuable research time by directing his clerks to gather all previous U.S. legislation dealing with unlawful detentions, racial profiling, and internment camps.
ARLINGTON, VA—Throwing President Trump’s 2018 budget proposal across the room in a fit of anger, James Scheri, ringleader of the Meals on Wheels America program, reportedly shook his fist in the air and shouted “Curses!” Thursday upon learning that his gravy train could soon be cut off. “Blast—my scheme has been found out!” said Scheri, his face growing red with rage after learning of the Trump administration’s plans to eliminate federal grants that fund his elaborate moneymaking swindle of delivering food to the homes of elderly and disabled Americans. “The jig is up! Now that those damned feds have gotten wind, what will become of the grand empire I have built? And what of all my many mansions and luxury automobiles? My life of Community Development Block Grant luxury might be at an end!” At press time, Scheri was excitedly rubbing his hands together after realizing the government had yet to pick up on his secret racket to make billions through federal housing programs for homeless veterans.
DAY 57: ‘I Have Four Young Children,’ Says Kellyanne Conway In Most Disturbing Public Statement To Date
WASHINGTON—Explaining that she always makes sure to leave enough time in her busy schedule to give them the proper attention, Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway told reporters Thursday, in what is her most disturbing public statement to date, that she has four young children. “I have four little ones, 12-year-old twins and an 8- and 7-year-old,” said Conway, sending shockwaves through the nation with the deeply unsettling comment, which inspired more horror than any remarks she has made sugarcoating the grave impact the president’s policies will have on millions of Americans, delegitimizing the press, or fabricating entire terrorist attacks in order to vilify immigrant populations. “With all that’s going on around them, it’s important that I instill them with my values when they’re young. No matter what, I want to make sure I’m a big part of their lives.” The nation was reportedly further aghast when Conway mentioned she had raised her two older children to guide the younger ones when she wasn’t around.
DAY 56: Report: It Unclear Whether Opposition From Every Sector Of American Society Will Have Any Effect On Healthcare Bill Passing
WASHINGTON—As a growing number of interest groups, politicians, and media outlets continue to voice criticism of the proposed American Health Care Act, a report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found it was totally unclear if opposition to the bill from every last sector of American society would have any effect on whether or not it passes. “Although the AHCA has been condemned from persons all along the political spectrum, not to mention literally everyone else with an informed opinion, it’s still uncertain if any of that will have any bearing on whether the bill is signed into law,” read the report in part, adding that there was no way to tell whether widespread resistance to the bill from healthcare providers, Democrats, and both moderate and conservative Republicans would diminish in the slightest its ability to secure a majority of votes in Congress. “So far, the bill has drawn criticism from the AARP, the American Medical Association, the American Cancer Society, Planned Parenthood, Breitbart News, the AFL-CIO, the House Freedom Caucus, the National Council of La Raza, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the Club for Growth, the National Disability Rights Network, MoveOn.org, The New York Times, Tea Party Patriots, the CATO Institute, the Heritage Foundation, and thousands of hospitals—even if you combine all that with the White House’s own decision to cautiously distance itself from the legislation, passage of the AHCA is still somehow very much an open question.” The report went on to conclude that opposition from average voters was certain to have no impact on the bill whatsoever.
DAY 55: Mitch McConnell Sees Infinite Healthcare Plans After Dropping Acid To Inspire Ideas For Obamacare Replacement
WASHINGTON—Seeking to open his mind to new possibilities for overhauling the U.S. healthcare system, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly witnessed an infinite number of replacement plans Wednesday after dropping acid to inspire ideas for an Obamacare alternative.
Shortly after the 75-year-old Republican senator ingested two 100-microgram tabs of LSD in his Congressional office, sources said countless substitutes for the Affordable Care Act began to explode before his eyes in luminescent, hyper-vivid colors and patterns.
“Oh my God—I can see the CHIP provisions spreading out in every direction forever and ever and ever,” said a reeling McConnell, gazing wide-eyed as infinite, interlocking fractal combinations of health savings plans, employer-provided coverage, and government subsidies enveloped him in an accelerating stream, eventually passing over him with such velocity that they appeared to be an entire galaxy of stars swirling around him. “Now I can see…I can see the outpatient hospital visits covered for every child in the country! No, every child who’s ever been born, and will ever be born! Even the ones who haven’t yet been conceived!”
“The scope of coverage is so beautiful,” added the senator quietly. “Whoa.”
According to sources, McConnell’s hallucinations came on slowly, first appearing as a geodesic block grant spiraling gently in the center of the senator’s desk before morphing into a gigantic, prismatic spiderweb of plans whose out-of-pocket prescription expenses expanded and contracted with McConnell’s every breath.
McConnell then reportedly turned his attention to the pulsating, roiling carpet in his offices, from which an entire ancient forest sprang as though from the beginning of time, its vines and verdant, leafy canopy composed of untaxed dollars that reached to the ceiling, beneath which the senator said the “whole country would be protected,” eliminating penalties and subsidizing care for 150 million eligible Americans.
“Every co-pay is connected to every patient is connected to every beating human heart,” said McConnell as he began to peel off his suit and tie until he was completely nude. “The individual mandate is total bullshit, because the plan is life itself, and you can’t opt in or out of life. And the continuous coverage incentive—well, it’s fucking this! All of this! The river and the sky and the grass and the trees. And it’s you! You and me. We’re all part of the plan.”
“Fuck, I’m tripping balls,” added McConnell, waving his hands in front of his face and attempting to grasp at the low-cost, high-value brackets that had presented themselves as glowing orbs.
McConnell reportedly grew terrified, however, after claiming to see the skies darken and a huge wall of 400-foot-high premiums rising in the distance while thousands of jagged, ugly shapes representing an overburdened Medicaid system rained down around him, threatening to crush the middle class and, eventually, the whole human race.
The senator then fled his office on foot and sprinted into the Capitol rotunda, where sources said he stopped dead in his tracks to stare open-mouthed at the domed ceiling for the next 90 minutes, mumbling in horror about an upper limit on the tax preference for employer plans before the naked and sweating congressman ran out onto the National Mall.
Sources later told reporters that at one point, the senior senator from Kentucky caught sight of his own face in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool and began to panic, insisting that he saw himself waiting in an out-of-network doctor’s office for 10,000 years due to his own proposed legislation before decaying completely, his flesh falling from his bones in rotting chunks.
“He was really freaking out, so I brought him a glass of orange juice and that seemed to calm him down a bit,” said aide James Scholtz, adding that McConnell became fixated on Scholtz’s striped tie and rubbed it gently on his face while repeatedly stating that he no longer feared the massive impact to the federal budget that sweeping healthcare reform would bring—that he in fact welcomed it. “I couldn’t really follow everything he was saying, but he was pretty adamant that his body was an HMO, Earth was the network, the universe was the insurance company, and God was the free-market exchange. Eventually he started crying, so I just patted his hand until [Secretary of Transportation] Mrs. Chao came to talk to him.”
After the drug’s effects had worn off, Senator McConnell reportedly surveyed his notes, called them “nonsense,” and then picked himself up from the K Street alley where he had found himself, ready to move ahead with his plan to repeal Obamacare without a replacement.
WASHINGTON—Saying that you will have no choice but to discover them one by one as news unfolds, a report released Tuesday concluded that you will learn the names of three separate reprehensible public officials this week. “Before the week is up, the identity of three public officials whom you previously didn’t know existed will be revealed to you based solely on their utterly disgraceful conduct,” read the report in part, adding that even a casual scan of the week’s headlines will be sufficient to introduce the names of these three loathsome individuals into your vocabulary. “While the names you’ll learn this week might belong to individuals who serve the government in different capacities, all will be equally despicable. You might become acquainted with them from their separate betrayals of public trust or from their contributions to a single larger outrage—either way, there is no avoiding these terrible people.” The report also warned that although you will learn the names of three additional reprehensible public officials next week, that will in no way help you forget those you learned this week.
DAY 53: Excited White House Staffer Sends Parents ‘New York Times’ Article Quoting Her As Anonymous Source
WASHINGTON—Excitedly drafting an email after discovering she had been included in the article, White House deputy chief of staff Katie Walsh reportedly sent her parents a New York Times article Monday that quoted her as an anonymous source. “Check it out, I made it onto the Times homepage!” read Walsh’s email to her mother and father, including the link to an article in which she is cited only as a “White House aide” while describing the dysfunction within the West Wing. “They only used a little bit of what I said, but I’m the one talking about how increasingly isolated Trump was and how he was alienating members of his inner circle. It’s the second anonymous quote, not the first—I actually have no idea who gave that one.” Walsh’s email reportedly also reminded her parents to record 60 Minutes this weekend in the event Steve Kroft uses the classified memos she leaked to him.
DAY 52: GOP Recommends Americans Set Aside Income From One Of Their Jobs To Pay For Healthcare Under New Bill
WASHINGTON—In an effort to address concerns about the affordability of coverage, Republican congressional officials advised Americans Monday to set aside the income from one of their jobs to pay for healthcare costs under the newly introduced American Health Care Act. “Under this bill, you would simply set up a separate savings account for the total earnings from one of your jobs, which will ensure that you can comfortably cover your healthcare expenses each month,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan, adding that the GOP’s proposed Affordable Care Act replacement would keep healthcare costs for the average American from exceeding the entire salary of one full-time job. “If you budget things correctly, you’ll have plenty of money left over from your other job or jobs to spend on food, rent, and any other personal expenses. In some cases, healthcare will even be low-priced enough to afford using only the income from a part-time side job on the weekends. The important thing here is that this legislation will allow Americans—not the federal government—to decide for themselves what kind of healthcare they want and how many jobs they choose to have in order to pay for it.” Ryan also recommended that in order to be prepared for the added costs of a sudden medical emergency, Americans should create a dedicated savings fund using the money from at least two of the mortgages on their homes.
DAY 50: Mar-A-Lago Caddy Injures Shoulder Carrying Heavy Set Of Classified National Security Briefings Around Golf Course
PALM BEACH, FL—Having struggled to haul more than 30 pounds of highly classified documents for 18 holes, Mar-a-Lago caddy Simon Bauers reportedly injured his shoulder Sunday while carrying a set of President Donald Trump’s national security briefings around the resort’s golf course. “I definitely felt a sudden twinge of pain while walking to the 12th hole with all of President Trump’s intelligence briefings slung over my right shoulder,” said Bauers, adding that he was forced to lift the large, unwieldy assortment of CIA and FBI briefings with his left arm for the remainder of the day. “Hopefully it isn’t anything serious, but by the end of the day, I could barely pick up a few binders of intel on North Korea’s ballistic missile capabilities, let alone all the dossiers on ISIS. I might have to go see a doctor tomorrow if the pain doesn’t go away.” Bauers went on to say that he is at least glad Trump’s set of briefings has gotten far lighter ever since intelligence officials decided to withhold sensitive information from the president to avoid White House leaks.
DAY 48: Rodent Clearly Making Its Way Through Steve Bannon’s Body Throughout National Security Meeting
WASHINGTON—Noting that the White House chief strategist’s skin stretched and bulged as the animal scurried about, sources confirmed Tuesday that a rodent was clearly making its way through Steve Bannon’s body during a national security meeting. “You could see the outline of a rat or maybe a very large mouse scampering inside Mr. Bannon for the entire 90-minute strategy session,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that at one point the rodent-shaped lump paused and turned in circles several times before darting down the former Breitbart editor’s neck. “I tried not to stare, but the thing kept peeking its head out of Steve’s nostrils. I just had to look away when its tail popped out of his left tear duct.” At press time, White House sources confirmed that a faint squeaking noise could be heard every time Bannon opened his mouth to speak.
- INDIVIDUAL MANDATE:
- Obamacare: Those who don’t obtain health insurance are penalized
- GOP’s Plan: Those who don’t obtain impeccable health are penalized
- PREEXISTING CONDITIONS:
- Obamacare: Americans covered regardless of preexisting conditions
- GOP’s Plan: Insurers no longer forced to cover Americans stricken with condition of poverty
- PERMITS INSURANCE COMPANIES TO FUCK AMERICANS OVER:
- Obamacare: Yes
- GOP’s Plan: Yes
- HEALTH SAVINGS ACCOUNTS:
- Obamacare: Allows individuals to deposit up to $3,400 and families up to $6,750 into tax-free health savings account
- GOP’s Plan: Every savings account now a health savings account
- AVERAGE COST OF HOSPITAL VISIT:
- Obamacare: Devastating
- GOP’s Plan: Ruinous
- BEST UNDERSTOOD VIA SERIES OF SIDE-BY-SIDE BULLET POINT COMPARISONS:
- Obamacare: Yeah
- GOP’s Plan: Of course
- Obamacare: Relieve patients of high healthcare costs
- GOP’s Plan: Relieve insurance companies of high healthcare costs
- COVERAGE OF CHILDREN:
- Obamacare: Creates unacceptable culture of entitlement by allowing children to stay on parents’ plan until age of 26
- GOP’s Plan: Unchanged
- FREEZING BODY TO BE THAWED OUT AND REVIVED BY FUTURE GENERATIONS:
- Obamacare: Not covered
- GOP’s Plan: Not covered
- ASSOCIATION WITH DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT THAT PREVENTS REPUBLICANS FROM SUPPORTING LAW:
- Obamacare: Yes
- GOP’s Plan: Nope!
- OVERALL EFFECT:
- Obamacare: Worst law in the history of the United States
- GOP’s Plan: Slightly worse than that
MUSCAT, OMAN—Sifting through various items in his dresser and closet, 36-year-old Omani graduate student Raed Saleh told reporters Monday that he was not sure how many days’ worth of airport detention clothes to bring for his upcoming trip to the United States. “I definitely want to pack enough to last me the entire time I’m detained at Newark International Airport, but I also don’t want to overdo it,” said Saleh, adding that five T-shirts would likely be enough to avoid having to do laundry while he is being held for questioning by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. “I’m definitely going to pack a whole week’s worth of socks and underwear, and even though I doubt it’ll be too cold inside the cordoned-off holding area at customs, I should definitely have a sweater just in case. But I can just wear my jeans every day and then throw on some pajama bottoms at night so I’ll be comfortable sleeping inside the airport terminal.” At press time, Saleh had decided to also pack a book of sudoku puzzles to occupy himself in case his phone and laptop were illegally confiscated during his detention.
WASHINGTON—Angrily dismissing offers of a plea deal if he would agree to cooperate with an investigation into the current administration’s ties to Russia, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly spit in the face of an FBI interrogator Thursday who was attempting to convince him to turn on President Trump. “If you goddamn Feds want to know whether I’ll turn rat: Here’s my answer,” said Sessions, shortly before leaning over the small wooden table separating him and his interrogator and spitting directly into the FBI official’s eyes. “I’m not gonna crack, so you G-men can threaten me with whatever the hell you want—you’re just wasting your time. I’ll fucking die before I flip, so you got the balls to kill me?” At press time, Sessions had reportedly begun to break down and was frantically divulging everything he knew after agents asked him how long he thought he would last on the inside with all the people he had helped put away on marijuana charges over the years.
DAY 44: Russian Officials Scrambling As Plan To Delegitimize Western Democracy Moving Way Faster Than Intended
MOSCOW—Working frantically to readjust the schedule they had outlined back in June 2015, Russian officials admitted to reporters Thursday that they have been left scrambling after seeing their plan to delegitimize Western democracy move much faster than they had intended. “We originally had a two-to-four-year timeline to carefully undermine the legitimacy of the American political system, so we’ve had no choice but to suddenly push ahead on a few things we didn’t expect to even start talking about until at least 2018,” said Minister of Foreign Affairs Sergey Lavrov, adding that following the recent forced resignation of Trump National Security Advisor Michael Flynn, Russian officials had prepared for perjury allegations against Attorney General Jeff Sessions to arise sometime in mid-May at the earliest. “We were right where we wanted to be around November after slowly destroying the credibility of the Democratic party over the course of the prior year, but we never thought so much public trust in the White House would erode in a matter of a few weeks. We’re pleased, of course, but keeping up is going to be a real challenge.” Lavrov went on to say he was deeply concerned that Trump’s impeachment would occur well before the president could cause the amount of damage to America that the Kremlin had originally intended.
DAY 43: Heartbroken Russian Ambassador Thought Special Meetings With Jeff Sessions Were Very Memorable
WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise and sadness at Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ repeated denials of contact with Russian officials during the 2016 presidential campaign, heartbroken Ambassador Sergey Kislyak told reporters Thursday that he thought his special meetings with the then–Alabama senator were actually very memorable. “To be honest, our two conversations hold great significance for me, and I can’t help but be upset to learn that Jeff felt otherwise,” said the tearful Russian diplomat, adding that he simply could not believe that Sessions could so nonchalantly dismiss the many hours they spent discussing the intimate details of their lives, including their innermost hopes and fears for their respective countries. “It really hurts to think that Jeff doesn’t cherish the afternoons we spent sitting in his office exchanging information about everything under the sun. These were some of the most meaningful discussions of my life, and Jeff’s writing them off like they didn’t even happen. How could he be so cruel?” Kislyak went on to say that even his subsequent communications with former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn never for a moment made him forget the precious time he and Sessions spent together.
DAY 42: Man Trying To Leave Hateful Message At Local Synagogue Frustrated Phone Line Always Tied Up With Other Threats
FAIRFAX, VA—Growing increasingly exasperated at his inability to make himself heard, local man Alex Turner told reporters Wednesday that he was frustrated by the fact that he is unable to leave a hateful message for a local synagogue because the line is always tied up with other threats. “I make it a point to call every morning, but why bother when you can never get through?” said Turner, 38, adding that the line is so swamped by menacing calls that he often has to wait on hold half an hour to tell a synagogue staff member that Jews did not belong in his neighborhood, sometimes having to call back numerous times because he just receives a busy signal. “I’ve left a couple of messages on their voicemail, but I’m not sure if they even listen to those, and it’s usually full anyway. I’m sorry, but they should know by now to expect this kind of high call volume.” At press time, an angry Turner decided he would just hang up the phone and deliver his message to the synagogue in person.
WASHINGTON—Pulling around the acoustic guitar slung over his back and slowly strumming a D chord that rang throughout the House Chamber, President Donald Trump performed his self-written song “The Story Of America” Tuesday night before a joint session of Congress. “Well, our tale begins way back in 1775 in the American colonies, when a group of men took on a tyrannical king who had forced them to live on their knees,” said Trump, who sat atop the rostrum while playing the four-minute-long fingerpicked song that told of Washington crossing the Delaware River and how the patriot Nathan Hale “swung from a tree in the name of liberty.” “So each time you gaze upon the beautiful red, white, and blue, remember the brave men who risked their heads to secure freedom for me and you. Now, everybody clap along!” After concluding the song and pausing to retune the strings of his guitar, Trump reportedly then began playing a slow ballad called “When Uncle Sam Got Jew’d.”
President Trump has confirmed he will not attend the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the first president to decline since Ronald Reagan in 1981, who was recovering from an assassination attempt. What do you think?
A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
- 48,000 B.C.: First tree hugged
- 1970: Following the success of Rachel Carson’s book Silent Spring and the alarm caused by the Cuyahoga River fire, the Environmental Protection Agency is formed four decades too late
- 1971: Congress urged to restrict the use of lethal lead-based paint in homes, further demonstrating the EPA’s dastardly plot to strangle the free market
- 1972: Nixon signs the Great Lakes Water Quality Agreement after swallowing a plastic bag while swimming in Lake Erie
- 1980: New Superfund program requires corporate polluters to pay for the cost of cleanup unless they really, really, really don’t want to
- 1982: Golden age of asbestos draws to a close
- 1983: Original administrator William D. Ruckelshaus returns for a second term as part of an ongoing effort by the EPA to reuse things instead of throwing them away
- 1988: Bunch of snobbish homeowners decide they’re too good to inhale a little radon
- 1999: After nearly three decades of clean air efforts, sun is once again visible during the daytime in all 50 states
- 2007: EPA embraces the internet age by launching its first blog at a cost of $1.7 billion to taxpayers
- 2132: Agency secures funding to address Flint water crisis
DAY 37: Shy Ex-Citigroup Executive Struggling To Fit In With Popular Clique Of Ex–Goldman Sachs Executives At White House
WASHINGTON—Noting that the tight-knit group rarely associated with others, shy ex-Citigroup executive Harold Burke told reporters Friday that he has been struggling to fit in with the popular clique of ex–Goldman Sachs executives at the White House. “They’ve all known each other for years, and they have all kinds of inside jokes, so it’s really hard to break in,” said Burke, adding that he has tried several times to hang out with Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, National Economic Council director Gary Cohn, and several other former Goldman Sachs executives, but always felt excluded. “I see them in the hallways at the White House all the time, but I might as well be invisible. Every once in a while, I’ll eat lunch with the guy from JPMorgan Chase. Usually, though, I just end up finding a quiet stairwell by the East Wing and sitting alone.” At press time, Burke had resigned himself to making friends with the group of weird oil industry guys who always hang out by the Capitol.
DAY 36: Kremlin Agent Not Even Going To Bother Trying To Compromise Trump Staffer Who Will Be Forced To Resign In Few Months
MOSCOW—Saying he did not want to waste his energy, Kremlin agent Pyotr Vasiliev told reporters Friday that he would not even bother trying to compromise a Trump staffer he knew will be forced to resign in a few months. “What’s the point of putting in the effort to exploit him when it’s so obvious that he’s just going to get the boot by May at the latest?” said Vasiliev, adding that he saw no real reason to blackmail someone who was well on his way to being pushed out regardless. “It’s a lot of work to prepare dossiers on these people, and it’s just not worth it if they won’t even be around long enough to manipulate. Seriously, why should I gather all this intelligence on someone if I’m just going to wake up one day to a press conference where he announces he’s stepping down, effective immediately?” At press time, Vasiliev had decided to refocus his attention on President Trump, who he believed would not be forced to resign for at least another year.
DAY 35: Frustrated Russian Officials Struggling To Get Any Policies Through Dysfunctional Trump Administration
MOSCOW—Lamenting that internal disorganization was making it extremely difficult to get anything done, Russian officials voiced their frustration Thursday about continuing struggles to get policies through the dysfunctional Trump administration. “You’d think that after being in the White House for a month, they’d have at least some rudimentary process for rolling out our new proposals, but it’s just been a mess so far,” said Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu, adding that the recent dismissal of Michael Flynn as national security advisor was “just the tip of the iceberg” in a chaotic White House where internal conflicts and numerous leaks made it hard for the Russians to implement any workable ideas at all. “Nobody, but nobody, knows who’s in charge. If they’re not dragging their feet getting our new legislative demands in front of Congress, they’re rushing out some executive order before we’ve even finalized it. We don’t know what’s going on half the time, so how on earth are we supposed to get anything accomplished?” An exasperated Shoigu went on to say that the administration was in such disarray, rolling back sanctions might take a year longer than planned, and abandoning NATO might actually be out of the question.
DAY 33: FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration
WASHINGTON—Fearing the information had already fallen into the wrong hands, the FBI was panicking Tuesday after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by the Trump administration. “We are incredibly troubled to have learned that transmissions vital to homeland security could have been captured and decrypted by President Trump’s staff,” said FBI director James Comey, who said agency servers were rapidly being destroyed as a precaution while an urgent investigation was conducted. “If it turns out that Trump officials have indeed acquired these correspondences, it could mean the entire United States security architecture is compromised. We want to assure the American people, however, that we are doing absolutely everything in our power to determine what, if anything, has been obtained by these volatile and dangerous individuals.” At press time, the FBI’s worst fears had not yet been realized, as the Trump administration did not appear to be acting on any information from national security agencies whatsoever.
From building a brand new nation, to safeguarding the ideals of liberty and democracy around the world, to moving on her like a bitch, The Onion takes a closer look at each of America’s presidents.
Forty-fifth president best known for being so self-obsessed and insecure that he is undoubtedly reading this entry right now in order to find out what we have written about him. Trump, who at this exact moment is most certainly scanning these very words to satisfy a deep-seated, omnipresent, and uncontrollable urge to know what everyone thinks of him at all times, took office after a largely unanticipated Electoral College victory over Democratic Party nominee Hillary Clinton. Having spent decades as a businessman, real estate mogul, and television personality before his presidency, Trump suffers from such a severe inferiority complex that he immediately pored through this feature for his name and is, without a doubt, currently perusing this passage with the desperate hope that we offer him some form of praise and validation. Considered to be one of the most unorthodox leaders in modern American history, Trump is the first U.S. president to have no prior political or military experience and is assuredly livid at present as he reads over the closing words of this entry that characterize him as a fragile, incompetent individual who, despite continual public displays in which he attempts to project the opposite air, is widely regarded as a mere pretender who has rarely if ever succeeded on his own merits.
DAY 31: Color Drains From Michael Flynn’s Face After Single Red Dahlia Drops Out Of Envelope From Russian Intelligence
PALM BEACH, FL—Saying that the noisy group was really getting on his nerves, Mar-a-Lago country club member Walter Forsyth reportedly complained to the management Thursday about the obnoxious U.S. cabinet meeting seated at the next table. “I just wanted a nice, quiet dinner, but this rowdy table of high-ranking government officials keeps rudely shouting about classified policy initiatives,” said Forsyth, adding that more than a dozen raucous aides and advisors had pulled up chairs to a table that was clearly only meant to seat six. “I didn’t pay all this money in membership fees to have these insufferable officials barge in and take over the entire dining room with their piles of sensitive documents spread out everywhere like no one else is even here. I’m just trying to enjoy the prime rib, and they’re on their phones loudly talking to some foreign leader. This is the same disrespectful group, of course, that was yelling about North Korea in the spa.” At press time, a waiter was politely asking the party to take their conversation about the Iran nuclear deal into the bar area or the lobby.
DAY 29: Trump Staffer Grateful To Work With So Many People He Could Turn Over To FBI In Exchange For Immunity
WASHINGTON—Fully mindful of the privilege he enjoyed, Trump administration staffer Greg Potreski told reporters Friday that he was grateful to be working with so many individuals he could turn over to the FBI in exchange for immunity. “It’s such an honor to be surrounded by almost countless people who, if it ever came down to it, I could hand over to the authorities in order to escape prosecution,” said Potreski, adding that he never imagined he’d find himself in a workplace that was staffed wall-to-wall with professionals whose comparatively more serious crimes he could expose to save himself. “I’ve held positions in government before, but I’ve never had an experience like this—there’s an opportunity for me to do no jail time in every single office. I learn so much just by talking to these folks.” When asked by reporters, Potreski’s colleagues said they were equally grateful to have someone like him at work.
New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
Q: What are Trump’s advisors accused of doing?
A: Violating the Logan Act, which states that American civilians must wait until after they take political office to commit treason.
Q: Why did Flynn lie about his phone calls with the Russian ambassador?
A: The humble general doesn’t like to draw too much attention to his collusion with foreign governments.
Q: Is it possible that Flynn really didn’t recall illegally discussing Russian sanctions?
A: An outspoken advocate of intervention in the Middle East, Flynn is known to have a somewhat short memory.
Q: Did Trump know about the contact between his team and Russian intelligence?
A: All evidence thus far suggests that Trump hasn’t been cognizant of the world outside his head since at least 1993.
Q: Didn’t Rex Tillerson receive the Russian Order of Friendship?
A: We’re talking about a completely different cozy relationship with Putin right now, okay?
Q: Are Trump and Putin friends?
A: Psychologists believe that while sociopaths can seem friendly with one another, they’re unable to form the type of bond required for meaningful relationships.
Q: Is this exactly the kind of change Washington needed?
Q: What will come out of a congressional probe into this matter?
A: Nothing a few news cycles can’t bury.
Q: Why are so many Republican congressmen reluctant to investigate?
A: As a matter of professional decorum, they would never dream of impugning a sitting president.
DAY 26: Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles
WASHINGTON—Marveling at the outraged, shouting woman’s conditioning, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Tuesday he could not help but be impressed by the infuriated protester who had been keeping up with his running pace for the last nine miles. “She’s extremely irritating, and I absolutely disagree with her political views, but I’ve got to hand it to her for maintaining a consistent seven-minute mile this whole time,” said Ryan during a morning run around the Tidal Basin, adding that the woman’s stamina was particularly impressive considering she had sustained a steady chant of “Do your job!” since she caught up with the Wisconsin Republican alongside the Jefferson Memorial more than an hour earlier. “I honestly thought she would have lost steam on lap three and given up, but her endurance and aerobic capacity are absolutely incredible. She hasn’t lowered her sign even once. I wonder what kind of regimen she’s on.” After a quick cooldown, Ryan told reporters the protester’s energy had been particularly helpful in preparing him for an upcoming triathlon, and he hoped the woman would be back again at 6 a.m. tomorrow to take him to task for having no viable Obamacare alternative.
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were working hard to provide important national security updates to the new commander-in-chief in a manner he found most useful and actionable, intelligence officials confirmed Monday they have been struggling to condense President Donald Trump’s briefings down to a single word. “The president prefers his briefs to be concise and straightforward, preferably no longer than two or three syllables, so we’re now focusing on compressing each day’s classified intel and any intercepted geopolitical chatter down to the sole most salient word,” said Deputy National Security Advisor K.T. McFarland, adding that a team of staffers had been tasked with stripping each briefing of the overly technical or complex details that President Trump disliked, such as arcane insider terminology, multiple bullet points, and any compound or hyphenated words. “The president tends to grow frustrated if crucial intelligence is not delivered within the first seven letters or so. We recently gave him a briefing that consisted only of the term ‘nuclear proliferation,’ but he clearly became distracted by the end of the first word, so we shortened it to simply read ‘bomb,’ and he seemed to respond well to that.” At press time, McFarland confirmed President Trump had asked officials to continue formatting his daily intelligence memos in the model of his most recent briefing, which consisted entirely of a brightly colored clip-art fighter jet.
Betsy DeVos was confirmed by a 51-50 Senate vote Tuesday to run the Department of Education. Here’s how President Trump’s controversial cabinet pick plans to change the nation’s education policy:
- Relax unrealistically strict standards for secretary of education
- Modify Title IX to allow invisible hand of the market to sort out any student rape cases that may arise
- Identify at-risk students and do nothing whatsoever
- Ensure that all students, regardless of background, receive the opportunity to bask in the shining light of Christ
- Let low-income parents choose which one of their children gets to go to school
- Create emergency vocational program for cabinet members who lack proficiency and are way out of their depth
- Place power for establishing gym class floor hockey rules back in states’ hands where it belongs
- Require free- and reduced-lunch recipients to prostrate themselves before the principal at mealtimes
- Steer tax dollars away from failing, fundamentally defective public school students
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the president’s chief strategist had been observed scuttling around the residence to gather materials, White House aide Alison Fordham confirmed Friday that Steve Bannon was mixing a discarded climate change report with his saliva to construct the final wall of his nest. “Over the last couple weeks, Bannon has been shredding environmental research papers with his teeth and combining the scraps with his own sputum to create a gray, viscous pulp that’s slathered on his mound in the corner of the Roosevelt Room,” said Fordham, who witnessed the assistant to the president grinding up a 200-page document on CO2 emissions in his mandibles, producing a tortured moan, and then violently retching for several minutes before spewing the partly digested, putrid substance on the floor. “It appears that the walls of Bannon’s nest were made from the hardened paste of several FBI dossiers on domestic terrorist groups and notes from several intelligence briefings, as well as a few pigeon skeletons.” At press time, White House officials confirmed that Bannon had completed his nest and was now showing signs that the eggs in his brood sac were ready for host injection.
WASHINGTON—Saying that nothing in his journalism career could possibly have prepared him for this, Politico chief White House correspondent Mike Allen wondered Thursday where to mention getting yelled at by the president of the United States in an article he was writing. “I can’t put it in the lede, of course, but I probably should at least bring up the fact that the commander-in-chief took nearly a full minute out of the press conference just to ream me out,” said Allen, adding that while he was intensely uncomfortable at the thought of inserting himself into his own piece, the lengthy, belittling tirade was an objectively newsworthy moment deserving a full paragraph or even the focus of an entire story. “God, how do I even refer to myself in this? It’s weird if I say ‘The president then yelled at a reporter from Politico,’ but I also can’t say ‘And then the president yelled at me.’ Jesus, do I also have to include him saying I should be fired?” At press time, Allen was relieved to learn that he would not have to face this dilemma again, as he would no longer be called upon in press conferences.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to respond to the vast and ever-changing dangers faced by the nation’s commander-in-chief, Secret Service administrators announced Wednesday the creation of an Emotional Protection Division to safeguard President Donald Trump’s psyche.
The new unit’s three dozen agents, who have undergone rigorous training to prepare for their challenging role, will be charged with defending the 45th president’s psychological well-being around the clock, investigating foreign and domestic threats to his self-esteem and quickly intercepting any spoken or written criticisms before they can harm his pride.
“After conducting a full review of the operational procedures available to us, it became clear that adding this new division was the only way to meet President Trump’s emotional security needs,” said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, noting that the president’s detail is specially trained in assessing risks and minimizing any opportunity for him to feel insecure or belittled. “His psyche could be put in grave danger from unfavorable poll numbers or suddenly come under attack from a White House press corps heavily armed with uncomfortable questions.”
“All of our agents stand ready to lay down their lives to ensure nothing can hurt President Trump’s feelings,” he added.
According to officials, the Secret Service is reportedly conducting careful background checks on White House visitors to look for any red flags, such as A-list celebrities who might choose to decline a photo op with Trump. The department has also instituted measures to screen the president’s mail for messages that do not reinforce his belief in his own superiority, and to sweep any room before he enters to remove high-risk copies of The New York Times and The Washington Post.
High-ranking agency sources told reporters that their tireless efforts have already made the president’s psyche significantly more secure. In particular, they cited occasions in which agents have shielded Trump against credible attempts on his vanity, saying they have kept him away from photographs on the internet in which he appears in an unflattering light and from news reports indicating that some television programs have garnered higher ratings simply by mocking him.
“We’ve already had one really close call,” said Clancy, citing an incident in which a member of the Secret Service jumped directly in front of Trump to prevent him from seeing primetime news coverage of massive rallies held to protest his administration. “But the moment we detected a risk, a few brave agents rushed in to surround the president and place their hands over his ears, safely ushering him into his motorcade before he could hear more than a few words of criticism.”
“The president was then immediately taken to a secure location where he was evaluated for any injury to his self-importance,” Clancy continued.
While acknowledging the assignment’s significance, several agents bemoaned the difficulty of keeping a vigilant eye upon the constantly evolving risks to Trump’s feelings, observing that whenever the president travels, the Secret Service must vet his destination days or even weeks in advance to ensure it is free of anything that could pose any risk of offense.
“It’s incredibly demanding work because his ego is such a big target,” said Roger Mercer, 36, an agent in the Emotional Protection Division. “There are new threats emerging every hour, and if even one of them gets through to him—really gets through to him—it’s all over.”
“I can already tell the next four years are going to be the hardest of my career,” he added.
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the longtime aide’s many years of service, House Speaker Paul Ryan announced Tuesday that his conscience would no longer serve as a key policy advisor. “While my conscience has played an important role in helping me develop a number of policies to this point, it will nevertheless be stepping down from the position effective immediately,” said Ryan, whose resolve to officially dismiss his conscience reportedly reflected its markedly decreased influence over his decision-making in recent years. “Unfortunately, I find myself consulting with my conscience less and less on important issues affecting our citizens. While I am grateful for its guidance, I’ll be proceeding without it as of today. Its departure will surely be felt by our team and no doubt throughout Washington.” At press time, Ryan announced that all policy-making going forward would be guided by his self-interested cowardice, which the speaker said would be an indispensable partner for the foreseeable future.
WASHINGTON—Saying he would surely rise to the occasion if tasked by the Almighty with the ultimate test of faith, Vice President Mike Pence said Monday that he was disappointed that God has never called upon him to kill one of his own children. “It’s just heartbreaking that the Lord hasn’t summoned me once to show my dedication to Him by sacrificing one of my precious kids,” said Pence, telling reporters that he has spent years waiting for any sign at all from the Heavenly Father that he should ritually slaughter one of his three children. “They’re grown now, so I’m starting to think I’ll never get the chance to offer the blood of any of them to prove my unshakable devotion. Heck, I’d put all three on an altar if that’s what He wanted.” Pence added that he would nevertheless keep a sharp dagger at the ready in the unlikely event God someday asks him to kill one of his grandchildren.
Despite her presidential loss, Hillary Clinton is making moves to secure her legacy and stay a relevant voice in American politics. Here are some of her future plans:
- Study DNC footage to determine which celebrities most resonated with voters
- Quick weekend trip to Wisconsin
- Take a much-needed vacation to kick back and relax in upright wooden chair with some reports, graphs, and poll data
- Fundraising out of sheer habit
- Cutthroat 18-month campaign for seat on Chappaqua Zoning Board
- Matinee of Moana with Charlotte
- Restart the process of working toward a future presidential bid by putting in another 30 years of consistent and committed public service
DAY 15: Eric Trump Scolds Father That He Mustn’t Inquire About The Businesses, For He’s Sworn Not To Tell
‘You Shan’t Ask Me About Our Shops, Papa, For I Am Forbidden To Say!’ Chides President’s Son
WASHINGTON—Saying he had solemnly sworn to never breathe a word concerning such affairs, Eric Trump scolded his father Friday that he mustn’t inquire about the businesses. “No, Papa, speaking of the shops is simply forbidden!” said the 33-year-old, telling his father that such gossiping about the company was most improper, and what’s more, that it simply would not do to betray the points of honor by discussing pecuniary goings-on. “Need I remind you that we have taken the most sacred of oaths upon this very matter? Why, what would dear grandpapa Frederick think if we were to violate them? So you see, dear father, I musn’t and I shan’t! Indeed, I will stop up my ears with wax before I entertain another syllable of this inquiry.” At press time, Trump had fled the room in distress, saying he must leave forthwith lest he hear one more question on this most vexing of topics.
DAY 13: Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble
WASHINGTON—Praising the federal appellate judge’s commitment to upholding the Constitution, President Trump hailed his Supreme Court justice nominee Neil Gorsuch as a fierce protector of the future amendment that will allow the president to temporarily suspend the right to assemble. “I am confident that Judge Gorsuch will do everything in his power to see that every line of the Constitution, including the forthcoming amendment to grant the executive branch the power to halt all public protests, will be safeguarded as the law of the land,” said Trump, adding that Gorsuch’s strict adherence to the country’s supreme law, both in its present and very near future iterations, was what drew him to the 49-year-old judge in the first place. “If his track record is any indication, Judge Gorsuch will act as a stalwart defender of our nation’s founding legal document, which will soon contain a 28th amendment granting the president sole authority to restrict the public’s ability to collectively air grievances. He has my full vote of confidence in these matters.” Trump went on to say, however, that Gorsuch was also practical enough to know when certain parts of the Constitution didn’t need to be taken quite so seriously.
DAY 12: Trump Supporter Has Few Backup Scapegoats Ready To Go In Case Crackdown On Immigrants Doesn’t Fix Everything
SEDALIA, MO—Explaining that he wanted to be prepared for any unforeseen outcome, local Donald Trump supporter Fred McGuire, 52, said Tuesday that he has a few backup scapegoats ready to go in case the president’s planned aggressive policing and monitoring policies aimed at immigrants don’t fix everything. “I’m expecting the mass deportations, forced registrations, indefinite detainment without trial, and expanded surveillance to solve every conceivable problem, but just to be safe, I’ve got a handful of other groups I’m ready to demonize,” said McGuire, adding that he is prepared to shift his outrage to welfare recipients, environmental activists, and possibly liberal college professors if Trump’s immigration policies fail to profoundly reduce crime and improve the economy. “Obviously, Obama’s legacy is going to take a lot of the blame no matter what happens, and when people ask me why there’s hardly been any blue-collar job creation, I can also throw out labor unions and political correctness. Yeah, I’ve got enough scapegoat ideas to get me through the next four, maybe eight years.” McGuire went on to say that he wasn’t considering scapegoating Jews just yet, but would wait to see how the next few years play out.
WASHINGTON—Stressing that the very future of the republic was at stake, President Donald Trump called upon all Americans Monday to stand strong and resolute in the face of empathy. “Now, more than ever, we as a nation must remain steadfast in resisting the urge to understand the feelings and perspectives of others,” said Trump, adding that a rising tide of dangerous empathy could, if unchecked, quickly engulf the country in compassion. “Above all else, we must never descend into treating people as separate individuals with their own concerns and desires, deserving of sympathy and respect. That is surely the path to kindness, from which a nation seldom returns.” Trump went on to say that the courage Americans demonstrated today would allow future generations to one day look at the world around them with indifference or, with any luck, pure disdain.
- Examine exact replica of a laptop to get inside the head of a real computer user
- Encourage Americans to save sensitive documents to the desktop and send computer via courier to intended recipient
- Shrink Rudy Giuliani down to size of microchip to infiltrate terror organizations’ hard drives
- Create cabinet-level Secretary of Cybersecurity position to be helmed by octogenarian textile magnate
- Motivate intelligence community by continuing to delegitimize, undervalue everything they do
With Donald Trump in the White House, many wonder what the new first family will be like. The Onion introduces you to the members of Trump’s family:
- Donald Trump: Prominent New York City landlord
- Ivanka Trump: Donald’s eldest daughter is in charge of the day-to-day operations of her father’s companies while he secures long-term revenue streams
- Melania Trump: Donald’s third wife, a former model from Slovenia, is credited with opening her husband’s eyes to the beauty of all types of people from across the globe being welcomed into our nation
- Donald Trump Jr.: You know, the sweaty one who always looks scared
- Barron Trump: The youngest member of the Trump family and likely heir to Donald’s prodigious inferiority complex
- Tiffany Trump: Discontinued after poor focus testing
- Sunny Trump: The Portuguese water dog is reportedly adjusting to her new owners without incident
- Ivana Trump: Though she and Donald divorced in 1992, Ivana has remained loyal and devoted to the terms of their NDA
- Eric Trump: See “Donald Trump Jr.”
DAY 8: White House Staff Reminded To Place Lids Firmly On Trash Cans After Steve Bannon Gets Into Garbage Again
WASHINGTON—Following a series of incidents that left food and used paper products scattered throughout the West Wing, White House staff were reminded Friday to place lids firmly on all trash cans after President Trump’s senior advisor, Steve Bannon, got into the garbage again. “It’s imperative that everyone securely fasten their receptacles so as not to attract Mr. Bannon by the smell of rotting fruit or moldy bread,” said White House chief usher Angella Reid, noting that Bannon was crafty and could work his way into almost any type of bin if there was even the smallest gap. “Just last week, he tracked old coffee grounds through the Roosevelt Room and then left a pile of chicken bones under the Resolute desk. This problem is getting out of hand, so if everyone steps up, it’ll mean a lot less sweeping for all of us.” Reid added that any staffers who encountered Bannon while he was feeding could attempt to shoo him away by loudly clapping their hands, but should not directly approach him, as he could be carrying some sort of disease.
President Donald Trump repeatedly promised on the campaign trail to toughen up U.S. immigration policy through stricter controls and enforcement. Here is how immigration will change under Trump.
- People must now declare all terroristic intentions at border crossings
- Implement a path to deportation for immigrants already in U.S. legally
- Only admit workers with the skills to survive on $18,000 a year
- Absolutely no one from the Seychelles
- Possession of carne asada torta now considered reasonable suspicion for police detention
- Vetting immigrants to verify their belief in the traditions, values of country currently dehumanizing them
One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.
- Say it a lot
- Fill cabinet with Wall Street executives to ensure as many billionaires as possible are incriminated in any potential impeachment proceedings
- Cancel Easter Egg Roll
- Cut funding for the cesspool of nepotism and greed known as the National Science Foundation
- Getting Rick Perry involved should do the trick
- Tax cuts for high earners so that CEOs are no longer forced to make ends meet by taking jobs in presidential administration
- Someone who will provide a counter to diversity on the bench
- Willingness to have phrase “Trump appointee” attached to their name in perpetuity
- Some college
- A history of standing up for the little guy in cases of tax fraud, housing discrimination, mistreatment of workers, sexual assault, and antitrust violations
- Available to start immediately
- Land Estée Lauder campaign
- Visualize the lush, rolling hills of Slovenia between the hours of 2-4 a.m.
- Visit the White House every now and then
- Put an end to bullying by supporting a gradual dissolution of the public school system
- Work tirelessly to prevent Barron from turning out like the others
DAY 2: Mike Pence Disappointed In The 200,000 Husbands And Fathers Who Permitted Women To Attend March
WASHINGTON—Admonishing those responsible for failing to uphold their moral duties, Vice President Mike Pence expressed disappointment Saturday in the 200,000 husbands and fathers who had allowed the women and girls in their charge to attend the Women’s March on Washington. “I can’t tell you how let down I feel by the heads of these households who did not simply give their wives and daughters a firm, decisive ‘no’ when they asked to participate in today’s demonstration,” said Pence, noting with frustration that many of the protesters had been granted permission to travel across the country alone and stay for several days in a faraway city with no male chaperone whatsoever to guide and look after them. “There are a few men marching as well, so they must be the ones supervising this whole thing, and thank God for that. But I can’t help but feel that these ladies’ custodians—the ones who were supposed to be providing a masculine voice of reason on these sorts of matters—have really come up short today.” Pence stressed that he, for example, had told his 23-year-old eldest daughter that it was simply out of the question when she mentioned she was thinking of attending the march.
DAY 1: ‘I Promise To Work Tirelessly To Achieve My Campaign’s Goals,’ Threatens Trump In Terrifying Address
WASHINGTON—Leaving the nation in an uneasy state of dread as he spoke from the Capitol steps, incoming President Donald Trump reportedly delivered a disturbing inaugural address Friday in which he repeatedly threatened to work hard to implement his campaign promises. “Everything that I’ve stood for in this campaign, all of the goals I’ve set, I will work around the clock until each one of them is achieved,” Trump ominously warned the country, prompting inauguration attendees and those watching at home to exchange tense, fearful glances with nearby friends and loved ones as the newly installed president made several additional intimidating assertions that he would “seek to enact” the agenda he had espoused throughout his run for office. “My focus now will be turning my campaign pledges into reality. It is my guarantee to you, the American people, that I will do my best to accomplish everything I said I would do when you elected me president.” A collective gasp was then reportedly heard emanating from the National Mall as Trump issued a sinister threat to begin swiftly carrying out his campaign’s plans as soon as his speech concluded.