Conservatives Explain How Pride Has Gone Too Far

“If kids see people marching in the street, they’ll think it’s okay to express their First Amendment rights.”

“They wouldn’t let me in their parade because I’m a straight bigot, and that hurt my feelings.”

“The gay liberation movement was better before it went woke.”

“They should have stopped the flag at the color green. Everything else is gratuitous.”

“One should only feel pride in their superior race.”

“I feel like I can’t turn anywhere in Target without seeing a rainbow flag or a pride mug, and then I get vertigo and spin and spin as all the racks of gay pride flags and rainbows grow larger and larger around me, until finally I’m wandering for months inside of the pride section, screaming, screaming for someone to please save me—to rescue me from the billions of gay pride aisles stretching as far as the eye can see.”

“It went too far when they got rid of all the good ol’ American shame.”

“I’m a homosexual now because of those sons of bitches! I’m living my best life, honestly expressing my identity to myself and my friends and family, due to their woke gay agenda!”

“Two-for-one promotions on boozy rainbow milkshakes all month long?! Pride has ruined my waistline!”

“I don’t like that they wear leather in their summer parade when they know full well that the material isn’t breathable and is best suited for colder months.”

“A woman should only lie with a divine goose.”

“Pride is a deadly sin. Before you know it, we’ll be talking about gay gluttony, just you watch.”

“I don’t want our children getting molested by pride floats.”

“At last year’s pride, I opened my mouth to sing along to the chorus of ‘Call Your Girlfriend,’ and a bug flew down my throat. Does that sound safe to you?”

“Lesbians ruin the novelty of two chicks kissing.”

“Woke liberals are even rewriting American classics to include queer themes—I just read James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room, and it’s absolutely lousy with references to the gay community!”

“What if my child were to see that parade? Then she’d want me to take her to them all the time.”

“I feel like no one even remembers when Judy Garland and The Golden Girls were huge cishet male icons.”

“God, those parades are horrifying. All of them out there, bouncing, glistening…dancing… It’s… It’s gross.”

“Because of these gays, Lady Gaga is way too big a star to perform on my special float I made in the shape of her head. It just sits in the garage, gathering dust.”

“All the items, they were regular, you see? Regular, heterosexual items. But then, then these gays, they took the items and that made them rainbow. Rainbow! The items! All the precious items! What has happened to our nation?!”

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