The NFL is facing a possible lockout and the loss of next season if owners and the players' union can't work through these sticking points during negotiations:
- Players are requesting the term "unrestricted free agent" be changed to "man who don't owe nothin' to nobody"
- Owners want to cut back on 401k, player annuity, and severance spending, whereas players want someone to explain to them what any of that means
- Players just pretending to want jewel-encrusted helicopters so they have something to give up at the table
- Owners sick of giving players valuable game-worn football jerseys for free
- Both sides fighting for more loopholes
- Owners would like to change employment structure to a freelance system so players would be responsible for invoicing their teams for each reception, tackle, and Super Bowl victory
- Actually, advertising slathered all over the uniforms fine by both sides
- Owners will not budge on forcing players to watch their annual 32-way orgy
- Players want health insurance