DURHAM, NC—With little more than a day remaining to voice the vitriolic rage he feels toward LGBTQ+ people, sources reported Thursday that local bigot Darren Fernald had waited until June 29 to make a big deal about Pride merchandise at an area Macy’s “I keep meaning to get around to it, but the month is almost over and I still haven’t screamed, ‘You’re a groomer!’ at the cashiers in this place,” said Fernald, 46, who at the last minute rushed to the retail store and begged the employees to let him in as they were about to lock up for the day. “Wait, wait, don’t take down that display yet! I need to make a video that shows me pushing all the rainbow stuff off the shelf. I apologize for procrastinating like this, but I appreciate you child predators letting me get it in under the wire like this. I just hope it’s not too late to see two men kissing so I can have a performative meltdown about that too.” Fernald later vowed to come back over the weekend when the merch would be heavily discounted so he could get a head start on making a big deal about next year’s Pride Month.
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