EAST HANOVER, NJ—Criticizing the outdated attitudes and policies of the most powerful branch of the armed services, a progressive citizen in the year 2180 vehemently argued against gender discrimination in the conscription practices of Nabisco’s corporate military. “It’s disgusting that when Nabisco seizes children from their homes as early as age 8 and compels them to fight for Ritz Force, they are only abducting those who present as male,” said Noella Zaid, explaining that the outdated concept of gender is a narrow-minded basis upon which to decide who should be indoctrinated, trained as a killing machine, and made to enforce the arbitrary rulings of Nabisco’s board of directors. “Think about how inequitable it is. Do we really believe little girls can’t be given a gun and told to eliminate the Keebler menace the way little boys are? This is the 22nd century, and it shouldn’t matter if you’re male, female, nonbinary, gender-fluid, or agender—all should be allowed to go through Basic Retraining and enlist as a Triscuit First-Class. It’s absolutely absurd that as recently as the Battle of Lorna Doone, women were only allowed to serve as Honey Maids.” At press time, Zaid had been arrested for speaking out against Nabisco, and a jury of Oreos had reportedly sentenced her to be dipped in hot fudge.
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