The Internet is an invaluable educational tool, but for parents, it can also be a nightmare. Here are some tips for keeping your kids away from sexually explicit websites and other questionable on-line content.
- Drape your computer in terrifying slaughterhouse entrails to make it unappealing to youngsters.
- Go to the favorites file in your web browser. Retitle "Goat Porn" folder "Financial."
- Young boys are understandably curious about Internet porn—but not if you patiently explain to them that women's vaginas have razor-sharp teeth that can bite off a child's hand.
- Tape pages of The Bible securely over your child's eyes, ears and mouth, then double their daily butterchurn chore-hours.
- Periodically check your family computer's log-on history for any pornographic sites not visited by yourself.
- Make sure your child does not use the Internet after 9 p.m.
- Do not allow your kids to become desensitized to violence. Beat them harder each day.
- Glue storybook pictures to your computer's monitor. Tell your child this is the Internet.
- Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place.
- Write letter asking website "Cock-Craving Asian Nympho-Teen Cum Sluts" to tone it down a bit.
- Replace your children with responsible adults.
- Provide your child with a detailed list of every website he or she is not to visit.
- Force your child to look at pornography for many hours straight until child begs, "No more!"