PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

Illustration for article titled PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

Auspicious tidings have come our way, OGN readers. Though plague and console shortages mark these lands, we have heard tale of a forgotten city beyond the endless sands, a city where the cobbled streets are paved with PS5s, where games burst forth from the fountains in waves like water, and DualSense controllers hang from the crooked trees like so many leaves.

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Join us, you downcast and beaten followers of OGN, on a journey to an eldritch land of unspeakable gaming fortune.

Though our misbegotten realm’s console supply has grown fallow in these merciless days, there was a lice-ridden dotard—near insane with syphilis and drink—who whispered of an eldritch citadel far beyond the idle wastelands where each brick composed of PS5 standard and digital editions. There, mute and dumb faces peek from windows wearing strings of DualSense controllers around their necks as if they were mere trinkets. One can simply dip a wicker basket in the river and emerge with hundreds of copies of Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales. Or so the lunatic fool told us, at least. At first, we cast off these tales as the ravings of starved and deranged minds, but we could not help but dream. What if it is real, gamers? What if?

Over the mountains that burn in the land of eternal sun, and through the deepest canyons where man-eating chimeras prowl every turn, that is where we will find spires ascending to the sky built of nothing but AMD graphics cards, solid-state hard drives, and 8-core processors. The house of every peasant bedecked with painted consoles, filled with overflowing chests of every next-gen game. A friend of the drunkard—an outdoorsman and scout by training—who came to us with a tattered PS5 power cord claims to have seen this Xanadu. He says that PS5s are so common that they are used as ballast on rough-hewn fishing junks, and the shoeless children of the poor entertain this bizarre realm’s royalty by kicking them around like balls. He also claims his expedition faltered when his partners went mad with greed and drowned trying to carry hundreds of the Sony consoles across the raging river that marks the boundary of this ancient land. He says the locals reclaimed their bodies.

This scout is the gentleman who shall lead us to the boundary of this land, gamers, although he swears he will go no farther. And you—if you also seek the bounty of immersive graphics and haptic feedback that lies hidden just beyond our reach—he will lead you, too.

We have 200 camels and horses, gamers, laden with waterskins, salted mutton, and fully charged Nintendo Switches. We have firearms and native guides who have promised to show us the way. It will not be easy. Many of us will likely perish, if not of hunger or heat stroke than of some unknown exotic disease, or in the teeth of a fierce beast for which words and drawings cannot prepare us. But we will not be deterred by the failures of past parties. Gaming glory awaits us. We will return with more PS5s than the world has ever seen and go down emblazoned in the annals of all recorded time. Will you join our company to seek this strange and unknown land? Will you make history with us, gamers?