Public Vs. Private Universities

High school seniors across the country are currently weighing their options when it comes to applying for colleges, choosing between smaller, selective private schools or larger, state-funded public ones. Here are the arguments for attending each:

PUBLIC

  • With public universities so overcrowded, you’ll find plenty of friends
  • Quickest way to owe state of Indiana $60,000
  • Easier application process, which is probably what you should be deciding your future based on
  • One of the additional 25,000 people within the same square mile bound to have notes from previous lecture
  • You’ll meet plenty of exotic students from all over your home state
  • Can easily donate to your alma mater by paying taxes
  • MSU was good enough for your father; it’ll be good enough for you

PRIVATE

  • Larger endowment to be poured into covering up sexual assault cases
  • Easier to tell the difference between townies and students
  • More prestigious name to impress your bankruptcy attorney with
  • Average private school degree opens up 16.3 more doors over lifetime
  • Close-knit community of students will allow you to feel more guilt when friendships slowly fall apart after graduation
  • Greater chance rapist will go on to be influential politician or captain of industry
  • Four more years spent operating under intoxicating delusion that you are unique

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