High school seniors across the country are currently weighing their options when it comes to applying for colleges, choosing between smaller, selective private schools or larger, state-funded public ones. Here are the arguments for attending each:

PUBLIC

  • With public universities so overcrowded, you’ll find plenty of friends
  • Quickest way to owe state of Indiana $60,000
  • Easier application process, which is probably what you should be deciding your future based on
  • One of the additional 25,000 people within the same square mile bound to have notes from previous lecture
  • You’ll meet plenty of exotic students from all over your home state
  • Can easily donate to your alma mater by paying taxes
  • MSU was good enough for your father; it’ll be good enough for you

PRIVATE

  • Larger endowment to be poured into covering up sexual assault cases
  • Easier to tell the difference between townies and students
  • More prestigious name to impress your bankruptcy attorney with
  • Average private school degree opens up 16.3 more doors over lifetime
  • Close-knit community of students will allow you to feel more guilt when friendships slowly fall apart after graduation
  • Greater chance rapist will go on to be influential politician or captain of industry
  • Four more years spent operating under intoxicating delusion that you are unique