Publisher Assures Readers They Can Still Make Dr. Seuss As Racist As They Want With Power Of Imagination

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SAN DIEGO—In an effort to stem criticism over their decision to no longer publish several books, Dr. Seuss Enterprises issued a statement Tuesday assuring readers they can still make the author as racist as they want with the power of imagination. “All you have to do is close your eyes while reading Go, Dog. Go!, and voila—the dogs can be perpetuating any racial, religious, or ethnic stereotypes you like,” read the statement, which sought to soothe angered conservatives by encouraging children to envision the author’s iconic works as vulgar and hateful as their little hearts desired. “Imagination is infinite. Who’s to say that Thing One and Thing Two aren’t violent white supremacists? There’s a trove of racist tropes waiting in your own mind that you can tap into at any time. Just believe in yourself and the superiority of some races over others, and anything is possible.” At press time, the company added they were confident this was exactly what the real Dr. Seuss would have wanted.