Carving jack-o’-lanterns from pumpkins is one of the most fun and rewarding Halloween activities. The Onion offers tips for pumpkin carving that will make your jack-o’-lantern the envy of the neighborhood.
Beat the crowd and buy your pumpkin in January.
Before beginning carving, give your pumpkin a shot of whiskey and something to bite down on.
Apply steady pressure around incision to prevent major puree loss.
Scrape out the insides until you get down to the lit candle at the center.
Lower your expectations.
Place the pumpkin in the center of a circle of salt. This prevent slugs and snails from feasting on the gourd that contains the soul of the man who wronged you.
Keep in mind that every mistake is final and will be an extreme blow to your ego.
Bind your wound with a thick bandage to prevent blood loss and have a friend drive you to the hospital.
Make sure to save one seed so you can grow next year’s pumpkin.
Remember that at the end of the day, no one actually gives a shit what your pumpkin looks like.