ST. LOUIS—Offering more affordable fare for the animals rotting away in cages, Purina on Monday debuted new Slovenly Feast for nasty-ass shelter cats. “With the flavors these scraggly, half-dead felines have come to expect, Slovenly Feast is the perfect meal for shelter cats,” said spokesperson Linda Brashear, adding that the semi-liquid substance comes in Rancid Meat Mash, Fish Scales and Fiberglass Bits, and Savory Botulism in Gravy among others. “These meals are specially formulated to help keep the gross cats’ fur nice and patchy, with extra-fortifying fish bone fragments to ensure that the pus covering one of their eyes continues to glisten. Just open a can, dump it on the concrete floor, and let the unloved cats swarm the puddle. They’ll be yowling for more!” Brashear went on to say that the food was so delicious it was typically all gone before the rats could get to it later on.

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