BLOOMINGDALE, NJ—While standing in his kitchen Thursday, 36-year-old Michael Morse briefly flirted with the idea of scooping ice cream from its carton into a bowl prior to eating it, an action ultimately rejected as unnecessary after calculating the precious seconds that would be squandered in the effort, household sources reported. “After evaluating the logistics at play, it quickly became apparent that transporting the ice cream in a straight line from the carton to my face was the quickest and most efficient process,” said Morse, who contended that an intermediate vessel was not only needless, but also a liability in terms of rapid ice cream consumption. “This is double fudge ice cream we’re talking about here, so transferring it to my mouth, and ultimately my belly, as expeditiously as possible was my chief concern; thus, a bowl was summarily ruled out. Mmm! Oh, God, this is good.” At press time, Morse looked down at his spoon and momentarily considered cutting down the process even further by forgoing the utensil altogether before ultimately deciding against it.

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